"It was unquestioned that they would not part yet, unquestioned that though they had not seen or thought of each other in decades, not sought each other out, something precious had been stumbled upon, a newborn connection that could not be left unattended, that demanded every particle of their care."

--Jhumpa Lahiri//Unaccustomed Earth

p.s. on a completely unrelated note, not even bronchitis can keep me from jamaica. after a last-minute flight change and trip to urgent care, i'm on my way tonight. thanks everyone for all the prayers and i'm so looking forward to story time when i get back

tbiytc

the best four years of my life officially ended on sunday. mary e. lyons shook my hand and handed me a (fake) diploma. we celebrated our college degrees with cake and pizza and margaritas, reminders of just how proud we should be.

i am proud, and blessed, and excited. even still, i spent the majority of the weekend dragging my (very tall, very cute) heels (with aquamarine toes peeking through), trying to slow down time, coming up with alternatives to graduating and transitioning out of college because it all went too fast and we just need more time:

we can cancel our futures and move into a beach house together for endless sleepovers and snuggling

we can finish finals and have a mandatory hang-out semester, with a dramatic decrease in tuition and lots of volleyball

we can avoid the countdown, ignore the looming goodbyes and just pretend that everything will stay the same forever

or, we can graduate. because did you know you can't stop time? ...something about physics and scientific constants and nonsense that i somehow missed between lectures on tupac and social construction. and i always hated that cliche: "the best four years of your life..." they said it over and over again freshman year as if it became more true with each repetition; every time, i would think back to maher 311: four very different girls living in one very small space, crying tears of homesickness and loneliness, missing family and friends and the ease of high school weekends.

no matter how many times you said it, no matter how many variations it took, it could never come true...

...until it did.

i could spend hours and hours telling stories of how friendships formed and community shaped and trips/retreats changed my life and friends became family and san diego became home and home became a place that couldn't quite fit me anymore. i could write a million blogs to explain why college was actually all that everyone said it would be, to try to do justice to four very full, exciting, hilarious, difficult, real, beautiful years of my life. i could try to explain the profound heartbreak of friends packing boxes and pushing bags into too-small trunks heading north or the feeling of hanging my graduation gown and cords in the back of my closet, or clearing my dining room table of finals review sheets only to be replaced by applications to graduate school and LSAT study guides and professor recommendations. but i'm not sure that there are enough words so that you can understand or that the internet can hold my billions of sentences.

so i will say, in minutes or less, that time went quickly. i'm not exactly sure how we got here so fast. i came to san diego a little girl. i guess i'm a grown-up now. a grown-up saying goodbye to four incredible years and all that they held. life doesn't slow down so that i can dwell on (very) tearful goodbyes or final drives away from campus...dwell as i might, life keeps moving in the only direction it knows. forward. how wonderful that i can say with ninety-four percent certainty (and two percent fear and four percent hope) that the best is yet to come and i will handle the future in a way that only four years at USD could have taught me to do.

starting with: jamaica (round three) on sunday. stories to come :)

i want only this

When I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know...

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I dreamed you first, but not so real
And every day since I found you, such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
And hold our hearts between them
But will you hear me and know?

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves and particles of light

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Simple Life//The Weepies
(a personal favorite)

if i could...

...i would tell you that i'm sorry
i'm sorry that someone made you think that your story doesn't matter
that your heart and your dreams and your voice don't matter
...i would tell you that they do
...i would tell you that what we need,
exactly what we need,
is the story that only you can tell
the dreams that only you can imagine
the heart that only you can share
...i would tell you that i'm scared too
...that i don't know either
...that i'm sorry she damaged you
...that i'm sorry he hurt you
...that your heart deserves so much more
...that we're all a little broken
...i would tell you that you don't need to be what you think i need
or what you think they want
...that i am content to just have you be you
we are content to have you be you
the worst version of yourself
the best version of yourself
so you can stop fighting with yourself
...i would tell you that who you are now is just a glimpse of who you will be
but that you are more wonderful than you know
...i would tell you that i don't know how to love you well
but i'm willing to try so that you can love yourself
please love yourself
care for yourself
believe in yourself
because i care for you
i believe in you
for you
with you
and i will keep believing in you, for you, with you
until you believe in you, for you, with you.

home

home [hohm]

-noun
1. the place in which one's domestic attentions are centered
2. a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
3. any place of residence or refuge

-adverb
1. deep; to the heart

2. to the mark or point aimed at

what a home should be: stories, memories, places, available, ready, tangible, real, comfortable, challenging, encouraging, cozy, loud, funny, open, stuffed with love, portable, big, kind, forgiving, full, light, delightful, colorful, mine

i have a sudden urge to pack everything up and move to portland, to seattle, to boston but to never leave this place, even when my friends have sent their boxes to nebraska and africa and colorado and nicaragua and the very ends of the earth. i have spent four years building this place from the very ground all the way to the sky. i built other homes too, to shelter my heart wherever it goes, and it feels all too unnatural to begin pulling nails from support beams and fill holes with stucco and cover walls with primer to create a new canvas, a blank slate, for ages 22-25 and it feels all too unnatural to cram too many people and stories and memories into one little room when what i need is an open field, with wild flowers, stacks of pillows and an eternal nightlight.

i wonder if life is constant building and rebuilding of homes, shelter for your heart, for the place that you're at at one exact moment in time until time reaches its destination and starts again and you bring the home that you've packed and folded and carried with you to a new place, to start again

what my next home should be: strong, full of adopted babies and dreams and accomplishments, perfected imperfections, rest, exploration, adventure, leisure books, cookbooks, notebooks, bravery, new, stories, memories, comfortable, encouraging, delightful, forgiving, mine.

define yourself

"You are bigger than words and greater than the sum of your parts. Transcend concrete language. Define your reality. Make your identity conform to you. Let other people see it--even feel it from your soul. Join me in the parade of complex, thinking, feeling, dreaming and contradictorily messy human beings: We're here, we're human and we're choosing to live through it!"

--Dina Hornreich, from Yentl's Revenge

food + fun

on tonight's menu:

fusilli and summer vegetables with basil-cannellini sauce
serves 4

"Fresh basil combines with cannellini beans for a sauce that envelops the medley of colorful vegetables and chewy fusilli pasta in rich, creamy flavor."

ingredients:
2 large cloves garlic
1/2 teaspoon salt, plus additional as needed
1 cup firmly packed fresh basil leaves
1 (16-ounce) can cannellini beans, drained and rinsed
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 pound fusilli or other curly pasta
3 scallions, chopped
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 small zucchini, chopped
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
freshly ground black pepper

directions:
put the pasta water on to boil in a large covered pot.
in a food processor, process the garlic with the 1/2 teaspoon salt
add the basil and process until minced
add the beans and 2 tablespoons of the oil and process until smooth
taste and adjust the seasonings. set aside.

salt the water when it comes to a boil, add the fusilli, and cook, stirring occasionally until it is al dente, about ten minutes.

while the pasta cooks, heat the remaining one tablespoon oil in a saucepan over medium heat
add the scallions, bell pepper, and zucchini. cover and cook until softened, about five minutes.
add the tomatoes and salt and pepper to taste.
stir in the basil-cannellini sauce and keep warm over very low heat.





follow up with a game of balderdash
personal favorites:

yeevil: the small flap of skin found on a rhinoceros' eyelids
paradiddle: a word or phrase that creates internal rhymes at the beginning and end of the sentence or paragraph

(for the sake of your sanity, only play with people of equal ability/competitiveness...just a suggestion....)

twenty-four + one

twenty-four hours in a day never seemed quite like enough. twenty-eight, i think, would make things much more manageable. one extra hour for flipping through pages and highlighting and typing responses. one extra hour for folding and organizing and disinfecting. one for laughing and storytelling and listening. one for quiet:


one to sit with a blanket and a cup of tea and ignore the to-do list that has reached two-pages
one to avoid the "i should shower ats...." and the "will i have time fors...?"

one to sit with a blanket and a cup of tea and my journal.
one to sit with a blanket and a cup of tea and jesus.


this morning, i woke frustratingly early. and since there are only twenty-four hours in this day, i left my bed unmade, i stepped over sweaters and socks on the floor, i didn't touch the dishes or plan an english lesson, i didn't turn on 30 day shred or go on a run, i didn't transcribe interviews or analyze data, i didn't write poetry or edit papers.

i sat in the stillness of morning in my near-empty home, after 148 long hours and too much cherry coke and moments of joy mixed with crankiness mixed with longing.

i sat with cs lewis and was happy.

"Happiness had not come to her early in life. A thousand years of it would not have made her blasee. Her palate for all the joys of sense and intellect and spirit was fresh and unspoiled. Nothing would have been wasted on her. She liked more things and liked them more than anyone I have ever known."

--CS Lewis, A Grief Observed

(Can this be about me??)