it's been awhile

i know, i know...
it's just that it was pre-finals adventures
then the horror of finals themselves
then home, with friends and sunshine and books
and my thoughts keep coming
but there seems to be a disconnect between my brain and my fingers
and well, writing just hasn't been happening...

it's summer :)
i was not sure how i would feel about this long expanse of time
away from the home that has created itself around me
in a billion different places with a billion different people
i wasn't sure how my anxiety would handle the transition
or that i could stand without my support system

but i'm home, and the support i have here is different,
but just as strong, and just as good
i've been home for a week and in three hours, i'll arrive at SFO to begin my summer adventure
jamaica
JAMAICA!!!! :) :) :)
what?!?
...i'm going there...
it's 2 am right now, and i'm not sleeping tonight because i have to leave my house at 3:30 am and that's hardly enough time to finish all of my last minute things AND sleep
so sleep: i'll see you again in a few hours

there's a billion things i want to write about
all the books that have filled the last few weeks (secret garden, peter pan, love walked in, little bee, extremely loud and incredibly close, and more to come...)
these books make me want to experience the joys of life in a completely new way
to recognize the little parts of life, the seemingly insignificant but incredibly beautiful things that are swirling around me
to let each moment of my life belong to me

and i want to write about this transition--leaving my home to come home
and everything that entails
the fact that i'm a senior in college and holy crap, that is scary
i want to write about this song that has explained my life for the last three months
and it was my anchor in the hard times, and now, we've passed into something so beautiful
and it means something different altogether
i want to write about jamaica and murals and end of the year celebrations
weddings and grandparents and puzzles and vegetarianism

i want to write about it all
but there is no time
it's 2 am and my brain is shut down
my eyes are barely staying open...
i am awake for the sake of being awake

i will write more, soon
(but not that soon...because i'll be out of the country for 3 weeks...scribbling stories and every little detail of my trip into my journal so that it can all explode out of my brain and onto some other medium as soon as i return)

jamaica, here i come :)

boo finals

effective use of study time...
free pizza and photobooth

finals...who needs 'em??

sunday morning

my one random desire is that i could have a personal photographer
follow me around for a day and take pictures of me
that capture who i am
so that i don't have to guess from the words that i write
or the grades that i get
or whatever whatever whatever
but that i could see who i am
a picture that captures me
that i can look at and remember
this is me. this is me! this is me :)

--------------------------------------

today is mother's day
and i can't be with my mommy today
but she'll be here on thursday
and friday and saturday and sunday
and i can't wait :)
happy mother's day, mommy
i love you

--------

happy sunday. i'm making pancakes :)

wedding. yes please.

this just happened

i'm in the elevator, on the phone with my best friend, obviously not paying attention
i press "1" because i'm going to the laundry room to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer

i'm talking, talking, talking
the doors open, i get off the elevator, two boys get on
still talking
i look around and think to myself, this doesn't look like the first floor
and i immediately realize that it is, in fact, the second floor
so i quickly run back, screaming "WAIT! WAIT!"

the boys hold the door open for me
and look at me like i'm a bit crazy
because i kind of overreacted
and i'm still on the phone, talking talking talking

trisha asks me "what just happened?"
she's kind of laughing, like she can sense how weird the situation was for me
i briefly recapped the story, for her and these two boys, saying,
"it was suppppper awkward and now i'm embarrassed"

so now i'm in the elevator with these two boys who i've never seen before and i'm still on the phone, trying to make small talk so that the 20 second ride to the first floor isn't even more awkward than i had already made it
we get to the first floor, and i'm closest to the door, so i get off first
they follow
i exit the lobby, and turn left to go to the laundry room
they follow
of course they follow
i make a joke, like "are you guys following me? now this is getting really creepy and awkward"
i'm just calling it like it is

i end my phone conversation and enter the laundry room
i go immediately to "my" washer and open it up
then walk over to the dryers, select one and open it up as well
as i'm walking back to the washer, guess who opens the laundry room door
just guess
boy one and boy two
and so we make a few comments like "whoa...this is weird...whoa...of course....whoa...hahaha...."
boy two walks over to "my" washer, as if it's his own
and i make a joke about how it was only slightly weird that they had followed me, but now he was taking my laundry and it was reaching a whole new level of weird

then i immediately realize: it's not my laundry
it's boy two's laundry in boy two's washer
and now i'm the creep
who opened his washer before he was even in there
and almost claimed his clothes as my own

super weird, but we're all laughing

of course, i start my dryer at literally the exact same moment that they start theirs
so now, there are 45 minutes until my clothes AND their clothes are dry
and we're all leaving the room
recognizing that we're kind of sort of friends now AND we're walking back to the elevator together and so we might as well just embrace this new friendship

so i introduce myself to travis and kyle who live on the second floor and have never been up to the third floor
unfortunately for them, the fourth floor is where it's at and they've been missing out
travis overheard my previous phone conversation in which i mentioned that i would be playing scrabble this evening
which started a fairly intense, slightly rushed conversation about scrabble and different ways to play and which way is best and i'm in love
of course, we reached the second floor, but were mid-conversation
so boy one stood in the doorway and continued telling me about this special version of scrabble that i really should play tonight
and i was so tempted to invite boy one and boy two up to 432 to play scrabble with us
but alas, the doors closed and i'm not brave enough to invite my new stranger friends to play a surprisingly fun game

which worked out better, actually, because upon return to my room, my roommate and i did a "domestic" photoshoot in matching outfits. pictures to come soon.

today

i am aware of just how human i am.

create

it is my very sincere belief that one of the greatest parts of being human
is our ability and desire to create beautiful things
for others and for ourselves
whether it is words, or sounds or images
physical matter or laughter, or, whatever it is...

creation flows from a unique and intimate experience with the Creator
and somehow, if for just a brief moment, we touch heaven

so this is my commitment:
i will constantly challenge, encourage, push others to create
on whatever medium they desire
but create, nonetheless, because it's necessary and beautiful
and as humans, we should gratefully accept this gift
this opportunity to dwell in His presence and to create the sacred space where others can do the same
create beauty from the details of your life

the week of april 26-may 2, a recap

current playlist:
-norah jones: toes
-death cab for cutie: transatlanticism
-band of horses: the general specific
-vampire weekend: m79
-emiliana torrini: sunny road
-cold war kids: we used to vacation
-madeleine peyroux: don't wait too long
-brooke waggoner: come love, see my hands
-amos lee: bottom of the barrel
-derek loux: fragrant burning

current obsession:
balloons and logic problems

highs and lows:
low: the 85 degree burn that i got from the tea i spilled on myself in the middle of missions cafe, followed by an embarrassingly loud gasp and dramatic reaction...and most likely, a scar

high: so many. officially becoming the coordinator for color your world with casa. fiesta and friends. watching three great movies in one week. death cab on wednesday night. chocolate chip pancakes for dinner. conversations about heaven. discipleship. crashing a wedding.

favorite thought:
"how i wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. it's like a book elegantly bound but in a language you can't read just yet"

'twas a good week.

me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain

i love the saturday night routine that i've
accidentally, coincidentally, habitually
fallen into

we had a fiesta tonight
then watched yet another foreign film
because i'm determined to really really know french
parce que, vraiment, c'est la plus belle langue dans le monde

but now, everybody has left my home
and again, the clock has ticked past one
it's silent

just me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain
which has been working overtime
because i'm on this adventure
where every day, it seems, holds a great discovery
and there seems to be an insatiable curiosity deep inside of me
to know, to create
to connect the dots of this mysterious existence

because He doesn't make sense
or fit inside of a box, any box, no matter what box i try
He has quickly, with no hesitation, destroyed the boundaries of
my imagination
my reality
my spiritual-ness
my humanity
my....everything

He's shaking things up

there's so much new insight in my brain
it's very possible that it will soon explode

this semester, i committed to waking up at 7
every tuesday/thursday
so that i can learn about the
christian understanding of the human person
my professor, i'm sure, is very intelligent
but mostly, she loves to tell stories about west virginia and her cats
(she is very much a cat lady)
so i haven't really learned much at that dreaded hour
but oddly enough, i am learning
more than what could be taught in history books
or works of fiction

i am learning what it means to be human
living in a body that is set to decay
walking in the "body-spirit" tension

it's been a theme
(i'm sure you've noticed)

i can tell you that my body
how it moves, how it works, what it contains
is product of both
image of God: divine breath, divine shape, divine purpose
and the destruction of the Fall
our silly, but oh so powerful, human nature

i'm learning
over and over again
that our bodies do matter
and that our spirits do matter
and that our hearts and our minds and
everything that gives us life
matters

we (body, spirit, heart, mind) were created to experience God
to be moved by His Spirit
to experience the beautiful and the mundane as spiritual entities
bringing us further into Him

my heart is the very center of my being
and while psychology may prove me wrong
the biblical image of the heart is:
source of affection, thought, purpose and imagination

and my heart is part of my body
and my body cries out for the Lord
so it must follow that
my affections, thoughts, purposes, imagination and creative energy
are finding retreat in Him
being transformed towards Him
being redeemed by Him

He's changing my world
spinning it around and around

simple things are now spiritual encounters
encounters that reflect the very essence of who He is
words fail to do it justice
music has changed
art has changed
literature has changed
what i can do with my mind and my hands
with my camera and my paintbrushes and my piano
have changed

He is in everything
and He has made Himself big
in my imagination, in visions, in my transformation:
becoming one who sees and creates and partakes in Him

it's strange to open myself up to new roles
as if i, myself, am a new creation

because i never thought that He would speak to me with such clarity
or that i would sense Him in a death cab for cutie song and that it would bring me to tears
i never thought that i would paint murals
(or coordinate the painting of murals)
or that my unsatisfied need to be bound to His creative Spirit would ever be fulfilled
that i could have a creative spirit, too
that He approves of my imagination, embraces it, encourages it
that He loves my body and has great plans to redeem it
that, as far as humans go, i am the worst of them
but i have chosen to follow His cross
and count my sins as loss

so i am now engaging in a constant process of dying and rising
dying to self, rising to Him
dying to self, rising to creativity
dying to self, rising to discipleship
dying to self, rising to love
dying to self, rising to community
dying to self, rising to life
rising to life
rising to life

and this is life
it is full and wonderful and i am happy