san diego, i love you

i don’t really know where to start
there’s so much going on in my life,
so much i’d love to share,
but everything is all scattered in my brain,
and that’s confusing, even for me.

i guess i’ll start here.
where i am.
san diego, at the start of another semester.

i wasn’t here last year. no, no, last year was a wholly different experience. a different school, different friends, changing relationships. and last year was hard, probably the hardest semester i’ve ever experienced. and while i was in it, the Lord gave me strength and determination to push through.

but as soon as i left,
and i signed the readmission documents,
moved all of my belongings back into my san diego home,
and briefly dropped my defenses,
i realized exactly how fractured i was.

the journey to where i am now has been long and painful and exhilarating and beautiful and more life-giving than i could’ve ever imagined. so when i say that i am happy to be back in san diego, it’s not just lip service. it’s not just words that you say when you’re starting another semester, or when you tell people about your summer.

it is those things, but it is more. i feel this happiness at the very core of my being.

i’m not sure that typing all these words will do it justice, but san diego means so much to me.
san diego represents Jesus and healing and laughter and adventure.
san diego represents all of the things that i’ve always wanted, but thought i would never have. and here i am, and i have them all.
i have it all.
the Lord has put me in san diego, and given me the desires of my heart.

there’s an intimacy of relationship that i’ve never experienced before. our bond is only getting stronger and stronger as the days and weeks and months spent in intentional community, sharing beds and food and gas money, continue. my friends here, they know me. they see a side of me that may be hidden in san ramon.
they see a creative side and encourage it.
they see an intellectual side and challenge it.
they see questions and attempt to answer them.
they know the subtle encouragements that I need,
the conversations they should start,
the right questions to ask.

they know about the depths of my anxiety and depression, in vivid detail. they’ve seen it. they were there when the Lord began to pull me through it. they watched in living color as every day, i received healing, every day i stepped into joy. they made me laugh and let me cry. they noticed the specifics of my days—days where i was agitated and distracted, days where i was present and alive. they held my hands, fingers interlocked and prayed prayers that must have moved the heart of God. they believed for me.

they believed for me, we prayed, and goodness, just look.
look at what the Lord has done.

i was broken, sure that i would never be whole again.
i was sure that i was incapable and undeserving of love.
i was living in fear.
i trapped myself, afraid to leave the boundaries of what i knew.
i was hesitant, on-edge. i was resistant, closed-off.
i was so many, many things.

san diego, a physical place, can’t take the credit for what the Lord did. but i cannot pretend when i’m here, when i’m with these people and doing these new things, that i don’t remember that it was on quiet tearful nights, in my apartment, in san diego, that the Lord changed me.

so now, here i am.
in san diego.

and, by the grace of God, i’m doing things i never imagined i could do. things that bring me joy and make me feel alive. i’m using my creative side on a daily basis. i’m loving people and learning them, and letting them do the same for me. i’m living this crazy adventurous life that i never saw coming, and that i pray will last forever.

san diego, to me, represents the fullness of life, and i am happy happy happy to be back.

my ulitmatum

okay. here's the deal....

my life is a whirlwind right now.
it's hectic and fun and crazy, and i'm journaling every night to keep track of it all.

i want to share, i promise i do, but i haven't had the time to sit down and pour it all out yet.

i have a few things that have been on my heart and hope to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) soon...

here's my own personal ultimatum: if i haven't written about something of substance by the end of next week, that is, sunday august 30, you can disown me from blog-land, vow to never read anything i write ever again, and even revoke our friendship.

how's that for incentive?

introducing my new friend

this is my new friend:

sir oliver hathaway
he's old and heavy and sometimes his keys get stuck,
but i love him just the same

i expect to have some wonderful times with sir ollie
writing letters, making lists, having fun
because he's a typewriter
and that makes him awesome

his new ribbons are coming soon
i can't wait to play.

the semi-regular update...

can't sleep. might as well blog?

listening to (please excuse my long list...i got itunes giftcards for my birthday...):
amos lee--sweet pea
anya marina--all the same to me
ben folds & regina spektor--you don't know me
charlene soraia--postcards from io
elizabeth & the catapult--perfectly perfect
elizabeth & the catapult--race you
elizabeth & the catapult--taller children
elizabeth mitchell--you are my sunshine
emilie mover--ordinary day
griffin house--that guy that said goodbye to you
jaymay--gray or blue
kate nash--merry happy
katie costello--kaliedoscope machine
mungo jerry--in the summertime
rachel goodrich--terminal song
ray lamontagne--you are the best thing
robyn--show me love
sara schiralli--paranoid
sleeping at last--chandeliers
slow club--thinking, drinking, sinking, feeling
the submarines--you, me and the bourgeouise

and you should at least listen to all of these :)

reading:
the chronicles of narnia
galatians

learning:
what it means to be open
history 358--the middle east and terrorism
how to treat my body well
why i need Jesus (a lesson never fully learned...)

enjoying:
my vintage typewriter
san diego
evenings spent with music and a paintbrush

discerning:
post-may 2010 (shooooooot...)

feeling:
absolutely blessed
absolutely loved
absolutely exhausted

open open open

i keep repeating to myself, reminding myself
"stay open, stay open, stay open"

because i'm not good at transitions
home is home :)
san diego is san diego :)
and my heart is so totally in both places

if only there were a way that i could apparate back and forth
home to san diego to home and back again
then transitions wouldn't be transitions
and my heart wouldn't be at risk for shutting down

but before me, on my ever-growing plate
are many many opportunities
that i absolutely must give credit to the Lord for
and within my heart, for each one, is a growing sense of excitement
mixed (inseparable) with nerves and anxiety and fear

the Lord is calling me to be open
because only with openness can i be
vulnerable, truly love, give selflessly, learn, experience, grow, enjoy, laugh, etc etc etc
all the things that the Lord is calling me to
all the things that i want
because i've tasted their sweetness, i know their goodness

and along with every transition
comes the feeling that, should i just shut down, close off, go into "work mode,"
things would be easier
i would be safer

but what would i learn?
what could i experience?
what would i become, living as the shell of a person,
keeping my heart hidden, locked away from life?

yes, yes, my plate is full
and the things that will be asked of me
will certainly challenge me and force me into roles and positions where i have never been
it is going to be difficult
chances are, i will fail (at least once...)
chances are, i will let somebody down
i will let myself down
i will offend somebody
i will step on somebody's idea
i will focus more on getting things done than the experience, the journey itself
i will offer only fragments of my heart
i will try to keep myself at a safe distance

i know this about myself
i am so human, striving towards heaven
but i am not there yet

so now, before the transition period ends
and the rush towards real life actually begins
i keep telling myself
"stay open, stay open, stay open"
knowing that the Lord has pushed me to these positions
and that He will meet me there

holding on the the hope that with openness will come a year filled with
laughter, joy, happiness, conversation, depth, love, discernment, wisdom, and growth
which, ultimately, is the goal
my goal, at least :)