72 days. here we go.

by the time you are reading this

i have retreated into the land of jobs and birthdays...weddings, graduate school applications, and books to help me "Master The LSAT!" (...the exclamation point does nothing to relieve my fear)

i will retake my place as a functioning member of society in october

(we're celebrating: october 9th, 5 pm, Rose Donuts...want to join??)

i have hopes to come up for air and blogs and birthday cake when the need arises (now, for example)

but if i seem emotionally absent, distant, or a bit frazzled, please forgive me

in the meantime, wish me luck

and pray for my brain

(and my sleep schedule)

and i'm sorry if i'm cranky

via

[this could be me for the next 72 days...

...with the very important exceptions of:

birthdays and weddings all over the place

where i will be all smiles and laughter and joy :)]

summer reading, part two

we are more than half way into summer

class and lsat studying and work have snuck up on me

which, sadly, means less time for books

regardless, here's some more to add to the list...

{completed/suggested summer reading}

9. Zeitoun//Dave Eggers

10. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (again)//JK Rowling

11. Catcher in the Rye//JD Salinger

12. The Covenanted Self//Walter Brueggemann

{books in waiting...}

(all recommended...add your recommendations to the collection!)

1. Shantaram//

2. The Pact//Jodi Picoult

3. I Am An Emotional Creature//Eve Ensler

4. East of Eden//John Steinbeck

5-7. HP5-7 (recommended by me...)

to be continued... :)

"No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?"

--Donald Miller//Through Painted Deserts

branches

i am blessed to be surrounded constantly by incredibly talented musicians

i'd need an infinite amount of fingers to count the sing-a-longs and nights spent listening with closed eyes and open hearts and the way that their music has changed things

so, in honor of music and all these friends (and one friend in particular)

do yourself a favor and check out branches

it's a group of best friends (and lots of hair)

and we, at the not-so-blue-door, have been listening to their songs on repeat

(specifically maps of wars because it's seriously seriously seriously good...)

you can too:

http://www.myspace.com/soundslikebranches

and, in the words of tyler (vocals and guitar and longer hair than me):

"add us as a friend, spread the word, sing along, and if you'll be in LA the first week of September, buy a ticket for our show with Tyrone Wells here"

i'm so glad that things exist that are

mysterious beyond explanation

and beautiful beyond description

sunrise at the grand canyon

(even the rocks cry out)

i'm so glad that i have friends who

laugh a lot

drive a lot

explore a lot

photograph a lot

crave adventure a lot

but don't sleep a lot

roomies hiking in sedona

thank you: mommy, ed, kenny, tay, and julien

this weekend could not have been any more amazing

:)

"It does not come easy to us to imagine that you

closed the womb of mother Hannah

and thereby foreclosed the future for a time.

And yet, we can name in your presence

a myriad of shut-down places around us...

those shut down in poverty and despair,

those shut down in fear and in rage,

those shut down by abuse and violence,

too hurt to speak,

too frightened to appear,

t00 scarred to dance.

And closer, our own shut downs:

in anxiety, in resentment, in pretense,

too weary to care,

too greedy to share,

too much of us for neighbor.

These are not all your doing, we confess.

But you are the God who opens all shut downs:

by your power, you give futures,

by your goodness, you give hope,

by your mercy, you make new.

So we bid you this day come to our shut down places and give birth anew.

We pray through the Easter opening of the Friday shut downs.

Amen."

Walter Brueggemann//Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth

jungle drum

just discovered this song and i'm obsessed

so happy and fun and full of love!

(and what is this jungle dancing theme i've got going on??)

enjoy :)

and happy friday!

day 7: imagine a moment in five (ish) years

blog challenge, day seven and done

"imagine a moment in five (ish) years"

it's the summer of 2015 and there are boxes everywhere. the occasional birthday balloon makes its way down the hallway, left-overs from an epic birthday dinner (twenty seven. holy cow).

{moving day}

{previously mentioned epic birthday party}

i'm moving. getting married then moving. the wedding is in two weeks. we move right after the honeymoon. there are people everywhere helping us pack. my family has been over since morning, organizing closets and disassembling furniture and packing kitchen utensils. my scruffy faced, faintly accented fiance and his entire family are on their way. they're bringing mexican food (veggie tostada??) because it's the first thing i miss when i leave america.

oh, by the way, i'm leaving america. i (FINALLY!!) graduated and mr. scruff and i have been interviewing with international organizations, putting our graduate degrees to good work. i have to leave the cute little house i've dreamed about since 1998 but my passport has been waiting since 2005...

{brick wall, book shelves, cozy couch...yes please}

today, though, is moving day. the house is loud and and hot and full. mr scruff and i are stealing kisses and thanking God for past, present and future and for the ways that families can join and love and create heavenly space. after the sun has gone down, the only thing left in the house is the kitchen table, set with summer linens. we're squeezing in for one last family dinner.

("family" is stretched to include neighbors, friends, friends of friends, teachers, pastor, coworkers, my refugee family, anyone with an empty stomach)

{via}

we're breaking bread (vegan sloppy joes) and showing our love and we're happy :)

*now i will try my hardest not to get attached to this dream story i just came up with. yikes.

day 6: nap attacks

blog challenge, day six

i am always tired

i'm not sure if that's a personality trait or a genetic disorder

but i can always take a nap

regardless of time of day, lighting, time zone, climate

naps chase me (or maybe i chase them?)

and i love them

but i wish i didn't depend on them

to give me enough energy

to get through very full days

with lots of people

and stories

and brain energy

{via}

i didn't take one today

but i thought about it

i'm delirious

and i wish i had

where is your favorite place to nap??

best nap you've ever taken??

my answer:

{ja2010...duh}

day 5: speaking english

blog challenge, day five: speaking english

i think i've always taken for granted the fact that i can hold a pencil and recite the ABCs backwards and forwards (abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz-zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba). i've taken for granted that i know what sound a j makes (jaa-jaa-jump-jingle-jack) and that i can easily tell the difference between a k and an x and that my mom read to me every night before bed; that my dad knew the biggest words and how to spell them (e-q-u-a-n-i-m-i-t-y and l-u-m-i-n-e-s-c-e-n-t) and that i didn't have to learn a new language before understanding my own.

and that is precisely why i'm so incredibly excited to introduce my person/people/conversation from the day. i would love for you to meet my second (or third or fourth or fifth--who's counting at this point??) family. they are Congolese refugees, living in san diego, and i have the pleasure of tutoring them in english. (okay, let's not kid ourselves: it's not always pleasurable...it's usually slow and sometimes frustrating and often feels insignificant...except when Sofia recites every letter of the alphabet and spells her name and learns six new words then giggles at her accomplishment...then it's a pleasure again).

this week, sofia announced that she wanted to learn to read, and three of her kids circled around as we tried her very first words: family, mother, wife, sister, daughter. twenty-six abstract letters that she just could not memorize suddenly became real--she is a mother and a wife and a sister and a daughter. so we cheered and giggled and took three-steps-forward.

bahati asked about the world. countries and continents and what is the equator? he opened his "first encyclopedia" and stared in amazement at a page titled "earth." i had never been more thankful for mr. hinke's fourth grade science class, where i learned about the earth's core and sediment and tectonic plates. and oh my goodness, i wanted bahati to know, too.

we meet again on thursday for tutoring and giggling and dinner.

they really are becoming family. and if they're my family, you should probably know them too :)

day 4: life as hermione

blog challenge, day four: the movie i always wanted to be in

maybe i'm just saying this because i'm currently rereading hp4 (then 5, 6, and 7) and because i'm waiting in hopeful anticipation for this:

it should come as no surprise that, if given the choice, i would be hermione granger of the harry potter series. in particular, i choose harry potter and the deathly hallows (i know, i know, it's not out yet...but, if it's anything like the book, my list of reasons will still be true)

1. hermione is beautiful, smart, unashamedly nerdy, independent, awesome. who wouldn't want to be like that?

2. we have a lot in common. we both went through that horribly awkward stage of life, around age 12, with crimped hair and awkward crushes (i still have those...) and an obsession with the library and history books

3. ronald weasley is a total dream boat.

4. if you've heard me talk about hp at all, you know that book 7, page 176 is my favorite.

"...everything was quiet except for Ron and Hermione's slow, deep breathing. Harry glanced over at the dark shapes they made on the floor beside him. Ron had had a fit of gallantry and insisted that Hermione sleep on the cushions from the sofa, so that her silhouette was raised about his. Her arm curved to the floor, her fingers inches from Ron's. Harry wondered whether they had falled asleep holding hands..."

ron and hermione (me) finally get together. such good romance going on in the midst of tragedy. i love it.

5. i already have a picture at king's cross station, and i called my chemistry lab "potions," so, really, i'm 1/16 of the way there...

6. if numbers 1-5 aren't convincing enough, just rewatch the trailer...

day 3: a loud life

blog challenge, day three (on time, with 3 minutes to spare):

"I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life."

--Leo Tolstoy//Family Happiness

(Taken from Into the Wild)

me too.

i'm not sure exactly what to trace this insatiable desire for movement back to

even the friction that comes with movement

the tension of reality between two moving (and idealistic) parts

everything has always been possible to me

not easy, but at least accessible

ask me how guilty i've felt about that and you'll get an earful (or, an eyeful, in blogging land)

and a recap of years worth of traveling and bible studies and africa and jamaica and a sociology degree and a holy awareness of my place and my (frustrating, necessary, just, unjust, impossible) responsibility to not just exist

or, maybe it's genetic, maybe it skips a generation

like grandmother, like daughter

i want to learn a new language

and push against my own passivity

i want to do things that are difficult and frustrating for me, like teach english to a Congolese refugee family or change my diet/spending habits or try a new culture

and squeeze outside of the four white walls of a plain and predictable life

i want my life to be loud. mr tolstoy does too.

we're becoming fast friends.

day 2: my future self

i am two blogs behind (kendra and taylor have been posting left and right!)

and i am horribly indecisive (blog url/blog header/blog design??? AHH!)

let's see if i can play catch-up

tonight, blogs 2 AND 3

first, pretend today is yesterday (and thank you for your grace)

a belated blog challenge, day two:

my future self will probably live in another country.

she'll probably have a dog (an australian shepherd/border collie mix).

she'll probably never be okay with sitting still.

she probably might eventually have a husband.

she'll always be indecisive about trivial things (wall color, hair length, journal selection)

along the way, she'll think of a million reasons not to do what she's always wanted to do:

it's impractical,

it's dangerous,

it's lonely and hard,

parents and bills, academic qualifications, student loans,

and "wouldn't it be easier to just...s"

etc. etc. etc.

but, my present self wants my future self to live in another country.

to have a dog.

to do things that are scary:

(like spend a lot of money on a degree that will qualify me for work i love but probably won't pay the bills)

(like fall in love)

(like live with mobility and freedom)

(like cherish independence and nurture relationships)

(like learn to be content sitting still or moving like crazy)

when present me runs into future me on the street (tomorrow, or next saturday or june 14, 2017), future me will probably still be indecisive; she'll still want her hair just a few inches longer; she'll probably be still be running through the list of reasons not to for new scary things

(like getting one of those husband people)

(like adopting a baby)

(like applying for a totally different job)

(like being all-grown-up)

she'll need advice from her future self, too.

so, from future me to present me

(and from present/future me to present/future you):

you are stronger and more capable than you know.

do scary things, and start now.

(and, while we're at it: get that tattoo, stop eating so many cookies, you'll love that cute house you found on craigslist, you don't need that shirt, that hard phone call is always worth it, you'll be text twist champion, always paint your toenails green, and always always always say i love you)

day 1: LOVE

blog challenge, day one:

LOVE

because i want to wander around in a forest with all of my friends and sing about love with a handsome boy who loves me too

to follow the blog challenge:

1. check back daily and leave encouragement

2. check out my challengers (Taylor and Kendra)

3. leave encouragement for them, too :)

my story, preface

sometimes you just need to switch things up

sometimes that includes babbling details that few know

about your love for pancakes and family breakfasts and story time

about reading your bible in french

and writing letters to your husband

about dreams of graduate school and real life work clothes

tattoos and new friends and harry potter trailers

and the next stamp on your passport

inspirational poetry

the challenge of a summer reading list

bike rides and fireworks

and falling in love

welcome to my story

we will focus on all of the above

Dottee Lee

“The best way to learn to be a lady is to see how other ladies do it.”

--Mae West

in 54 years,

if i have any share of her strength, her compassion, her adventure, her beauty,

i will be content.

happy 76th birthday, gram

...I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U-I-R-in-love-with-you!

breathe deep

maybe my heart is growing. maybe just swollen. maybe just for right now.

i will breathe deep, expand my ribcage and make room.

"the Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life" --Job 33:4