get out of the way

it feels like an eternity since i last wrote anything

my world has inadvertently become about packing boxes and decorating shelves and trips to the doggie doctor

so i haven't had much time to write the hopes of my heart (they are many this time of year) and the observations of time spent people-learning (the sociologist in me)

have you danced recently?

i have

little known fact: every tuesday i strap on practice shoes and learn to dance the tango

tango is all rhythm and invitation

it's a wonderful thing to be a woman on the dance floor

yielding to the volcada or the pasada

trusting your partner and following the movement

as it leads you across crowded floors and between far-more-technical couples

risking stepped-on-toes and dizzy heads for the chance to gancho or boleo

when done correctly,

it is perfect equality and unexplainable beauty

but only if you yield

yield or get out of the way

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this i know for certain:

there is a big picture that we squint to see

it's far away; we can hardly hear the rhythm of its rumbling

it is coming

while we are trying to understand, trying to save ourselves, to be our own shalom

and too often running from the call to live in meekness

(meek: desiring and submitting to the will of God)

we stand in our own way

in our hearts we harbor fear and insecurity and a quest for comfort that fuels selfishness

our desires first

our wants, our needs, our opinions

we cannot, will not, do not yield

even to His perfect intentions

His perfect movement

His perfect invitation.

But there is a dance

and an invitation to join

to yield to Him, to live outside of ourselves

we are members of one another

called to seek unity and ask for justice

to live a life worthy of the calling we have received

despite the sacrifices it requires:

our discomfort, our worldly insignificance

our open-handedness

and sometimes, we just need to get out of the way so that He can move.

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in other news: it's raining and Clive is sleeping with his head on my calf. this couldn't be more perfect unless i had pancakes in front of me :)

4:57

i woke up at 5:00 this morning
actually, 4:57
to the door of my bedroom
jiggling back and forth
pushed in and out of place by the wind
i climbed groggily out of bed and
fumbled around in the dark
searching blindly for something to keep the door in its rightful place
ptl for my biblical imagery dictionary
(thousands of pages of weight, put to good use)

and i know that it was 4:57
because the clock was ticking so loudly
so incessantly
reminding me with every tick that time was passing
and quickly
so i grabbed it and lovingly
removed the batteries
because i wanted silence

i wanted the spinning fan to lull me to sleep
in my otherwise quiet room
in my cozy bed
where the fleece rubs up against my bare legs
and i want to stay here all day
letting my head sink into the pillow
and wrap myself in fluffy, warm blankets

but, i woke up at 5:00 this morning
4:57, to be exact
my body craved sleep
but my SPIRIT was awake
something, somewhere deep inside of me

woke up

and almost instinctually
began communication
with YHWH
the God who is

i only say instinctually because
i was mostly asleep
and my SPIRIT was leading my heart
to where it should go, but
doesn't, once my body comes to life

but i am more than my body
and i am more than my mind
i am my own 3-in-1
body, mind SPIRIT
led by the SPIRIT
to YHWH
at 4:57 in the morning

and my brain doesn't usually wake up until at least 9:00
so i don't know how to describe it
except to say
that it was obvious
that while the rest of me slept
my SPIRIT was awake, beginning to dance
with Jesus, for Jesus, around Him
I was turning, eyes closed,
before the Lord

and it was nice to communicate with the 3-in-1
without the mess of crazy-brain
tainting my words with fear and angst and distress
my SPIRIT was engaged in a song and dance
that had never been done before:

praise
specific prayers for
specific people
people that i don't pray for
so i know that it wasn't coming from my mind
prayers that i know went directly
from my SPIRIT
to HIS

i was asleep again
within minutes
though i don't know for sure
because my clock is now stopped at 4:57

i'm uncomfortable with all of this
talk about the SPIRIT
because i have a tendency to
over-humanize and to
over-intellectualize and to
avoid "weirdness"

i don't want to do flag waving before Him
or have hugely emotional experiences
with mascara running all over my face
and there is a negative connotation that accompanies the word
"charismatic"
(we had enough of that in high school chapel, thank you)

but i am more than my body
and i am more than my mind
and my SPIRIT has been groaning for life

so, okay, wake me up at 4:57
and i will let my SPIRIT dance