stop.

STOP!

stop.

stop with your prodigious words
and the eloquent manner in which you speak.

stop with your volumes of theology
your "thou"s, and your "the Lord sayeth unto me"s
your elementary answers to complex questions
that do nothing but frustrate my faith

who are you trying to convince?
i want to stuff my ears with a billion cotton balls when you start to speak
i want to count your words then politely ask you to divide it in half.

i've had enough.

stop, stop, stop.

sit in silence,
and just whisper to Him
oh, how i need You.


----------
*I'm trying to learn to pray simply.

to-do

1. figure out how to get this house

2. with this dog

advice

"you know, you need to stop freaking out--you're the cat's meow...and you know what, i am too."

i love my brother.
honestly, every conversation with him should be recorded. so much good content.

not tree.

i've changed my mind.

i don't want to be a tree. because today i sat under one while i read about music and drifted in and out of consciousness and i enjoyed the splotchy shade it provided and that the sun poked through to warm bits and pieces of my skin. i let my hand wander back and forth over blades of grass, while people walked past and walked past. faces down, lost in a cigarette or a phone conversation, walk walk walk. oblivious to a simple, old tree. there were no strangers stopping by to share their books, or children giggling and hanging off branches. there we no lights and no rain, nor falling snow to birth wonder.

no, no. to be a tree is to be ignored in its stillness, despite its beauty. to sit idle, rooted deep into the ground, while the world walks and walks and walks on by.

no, i don't want to be a tree. i want to be a human who runs in the rain and moves with the breezes. i want joy to bubble up inside of me as i swing from branches and climb up trunks. i will wake up to the stars and greet the rising sun and listen to the bird's song as it calls to the day. i will be the girl who stares in wonder at simple illumination and it will be my tongue hanging out of my mouth, waiting expectantly for pieces of heaven to fall from the sky.

you can't just walk past and walk past and walk past me without saying a word.
i won't let you.

i just won't.

tree.

i sometimes wonder what story the tree outside 0f my window would tell
should i climb its trunk and ask for a secret

i think that i would very much enjoy being a tree

feeling every rain drop and every breeze
reading books over the shoulders of those who stop to enjoy my shade

greeting the sun every morning, and waving hello to travelers passing by

hearing giggles as people climb my limbs and swing from my branches
i would be life and joy and refuge
and you could wrap me in lights and stare at me in wonder when snowflakes land on my nose and glide off my arms onto your tongue, held expectantly from your mouth

i would hear the bird's song first; i would sway to the rhythm of the crickets
you could count my rings and i could be your storyteller
whispering secrets in your ear

yes, i would very much like to be a tree

may 24, 2010

mostly i want to graduate so that i can finally finally finally have one of these:


meet herbie :)


meet tanner :)


meet lacie :)
(i'm not sure if you're allowed to chose favorites, buuuut...if you were...she'd be mine...)

an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

...unless your apples are covered in sugar glaze and ice cream...

i'm not cooking today because i'm tired and lazy and my pantry is almost empty, so i have no new recipe to share...but i will say that over the weekend, i had the pleasure of eating one of the best homemade desserts i have ever had: apple crisps. the apples make you think you're eating healthy, meaning it's okay to go back for seconds (or, who am i kidding? thirds...definitely thirds...)

it wasn't my creation, but i did love every last bite, making it absolutely worth sharing

apple crisps

10 cups all-purpose apples, peeled, cored and sliced
1 cup white sugar
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup water

1 cup quick-cooking oats
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup butter, melted


Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Place the sliced apples in a 9x13 inch pan. Mix the white sugar, 1 tablespoon flour and ground cinnamon together, and sprinkle over apples. Pour water evenly over all.

Combine the oats, 1 cup flour, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda and melted butter together. Crumble evenly over the apple mixture.

Bake at 350 degrees F for about 45 minutes.




of course, give thanks and enjoy with ice cream on top and surrounded by friends :)

tonight

tonight, five of us sat around a table in the slp
we ate food and studied scripture
and i realized, for maybe the first time, how necessary my people are

i basically exploded on them
i wasn't angry
well, not at them, at least

i exploded frustrations and struggles that i've been having
with my faith, God, religion, with Christians, and ultimately, with myself
questions about the inerrency of the bible,
about the bible as a cultural document
about "self," and convenience and comfort
the character of God, and my own character
whether i trust Him, or love Him enough, whether i believe enough

i exploded, and i needed to explode
i needed to explode with people who engaged me
who didn't try to force feed me formulaic answers
or dismiss my questions as weakness

i needed that conversation
and that passage
and those people

i needed tonight