grammar

if only there were a way to write that didn’t feel so insanely vulnerable
like the naked dream on replay
which i’ve never had
but i feel like it would feel somewhat like writing
like bearing your soul for the world to read and stand all over
with their response hidden from my eyes

i know that i don’t have to write
but sometimes it feels like words are all that I have to offer
and i’m not using punctuation because i don’t like the finality of periods
commas are okay
because there is still more to come

i’m not good at talking unless i really know what to say
or have it planned out
i stumble over my words and get too excited
i’m awkward and unprepared
sometimes for important conversations, i write it out first so that it’s
perfect
because i don’t want to screw it up
i usually do anyways

but when i write, my mind and my soul come together and everything is
clear
and even if you don’t, i get it
for me,
writing is cathartic
writing is worship
i love music
a lot
a lot a lot
but words
connect me with my Jesus

everything is a story
i hope that my story points to Him
i hope that my words point to Him

writing is scary
because i want to shout from the rooftops about
His goodness
but how do i do that without letting you into a part of me
that is reserved for very few
that is reserved for One
or two, someday

how do i tell you about His mercy without telling you that
i need mercy
how do i tell you about His strength without telling you that
i am weak
how do i tell you that He bound up my broken heart without telling you that
i am broken
how do i tell you that He is peace without telling you that
i know anxiety
and i don’t particularly feel comfortable having my
life on display
it felt safer when i knew that my mom was the only one reading
anything that i wrote
but if it is what He wants, then
here it is

right now, i don’t like the finality of periods
maybe it’s not just with periods
i don’t like finality
period
(haha)

except in some cases
like love
and marriage
and that a ring means forever
and ever
you can put a billion periods after my wedding day
i like that

but sometimes i don't like finality
that something is over, forever
it feels like giving up
walking away, without hope
and i have hope

maybe it isn’t giving up
maybe it’s letting something new begin with the excitement of
Capitalization
and i love that newness

still, i am an idealist
i don’t want to give up on anything that
He still has plans for

except there are somethings
i wish would just end
with 8,000 periods behind it
………………
because it just needs to be done

but life is a run-on sentence
or maybe thirty
with commas and semi-colons and parentheses
and i don't know where it will go
and i don't know where to put the periods
because i'm not writing this story

i wanna call it love

I am currently 20 years old, single, no prospects of marriage on the horizon, and, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe deeply in the power of love, in its redeeming nature; I see love in everything, I live for a good love story, weddings, love songs. I can hardly contain my excitement when the topic of love appears.

I love Love, and everybody knows it. Even though this is such a big part of me, this is such a defining characteristic, I have always thought that me being so utterly romantic was a semi-negative trait...that the idea of romance was so prevalent in my mind that it gave me false hope or lofty expectations; it was unrealistic and planted dreams in my mind that were practically unattainable. In the back of my mind came the "reminder" that this obsession with love can only bring heartache, that this love cannot be mine.

But I have a new idea, I've just had a revelation. I was made for romance. I was made to love, and I love to be loved. And I am constantly reminded that there is a Love story bigger than man and woman, bigger than stories of first kisses and falling in love. And it is my story. I was made romantic because the God of Creation chases after me with an unfailing love. This story is worthy of awe. The intricate details of our salvation, from our conception to eternity, points to the love that follows us, that we cannot escape. The Blood of Jesus has become the mark of romance in our lives.

Even in the midst of pain, it is a love story. Jesus is constantly calling us to Him, as the Bridegroom waits for his bride, so too does Jesus wait for us, He desires us, He longs for us. Even as we come out of the darkness, there He waits to renew our hearts, to give us a robe dipped in His precious blood. It's all done out of love.

Nothing has ever sounded so sweet. Nothing compares. No love letter, no flowers, no song, no vows. Nothing can compare to this love. He is the Rider on the White Horse, the bringer of justice, strong and mighty, the Ruler of Heaven and Earth. Through him we have life, through Him we overcome. His love is the purpose of salvation, the joy of eternity. It was His love that brought us into existence, that we might know and love Him in return.

I imagine that the first time I say "I love you" to somebody, and genuinely mean it with all of my heart, I'll cry. Love is that big, love is that important to me. And, in the same way, every time that I feel the love of God wash over me, my world stops, my heart swells and I cannot stop the tears that come to my eyes. I am a part of this beautiful love; this beautiful love is mine.

I don't have a clear picture of what love between a man and a woman truly looks like. I've seen glimpses, and have hope for what it will look like in my life. I dream about my wedding, and falling in love, and growing old with my husband by my side after a lifetime of adventure. For now, it stays in my imagination, as I wait for earthly love to find me. But, I know what the love of Jesus looks like in my life, now and forever. It's not just amazing--it's fantastic and dazzling. It's unbelievable. It is the reason that my heart beats, my hope for tomorrow, the goal of my life on earth.

Now I know why I love love, why I love weddings, why my heart longs for love. It has never been more clear to me that I dream about love on earth as a reflection of the love of my Jesus. I have been created as a creature who clings to a good love story so that I can learn to cling to Jesus...my obsession has a purpose, a solid and beautiful purpose. And I love it.

till kingdom come

Everything that I have read lately tells me that the message of Jesus is to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth, that we might have life to the fullest. It tells me that, above anything, life is important, that life is sacred. So sacred, in fact, that we are to intentionally, purposefully seek it out. We are to live our lives in a way that truly brings abundant life to not just ourselves, but to those around us as well. Matthew 10 tells us to heal the sick, to raise up the dead, to give freely, to keep ourselves from greed and excessive consumerism (paraphrase...)...to continually live on the narrow road that leads to Jesus, forsaking all others.

We are to seek His kingdom. We are to seek His life, life through the Spirit.

God is love. That word wholly and completely describes Him. Everything in our lives should be motivated by the love of God--the God who raises the sun each morning so that His people can carry on. The God who paints the stars in the sky, and reminds us that our lives are but a breath. The God who counts every hair on our heads and knows every quirk and tick to our beings. The God who brings the rain, and who calms to storm.

He cares about life. He cares about suffering, and brokeness. He sees families torn apart and destroyed by bombs, nations ruined by war. He sees little babies with their stomachs distended in hunger. He sees a discontented western culture seeking life at the bottom of a bottle, marriages reduced to nothing more than bitterness, life summed up by the word "struggle."

And in this, He tells us, seek the Kingdom of Heaven, and there you will find life. Seek first His name, leaving behind all others in the name of Jesus, for the sake of life. Seek His Kingdom--do what He says. Love others more than yourself. Give up your own comfort so that others may find rest. Do not destroy your soul and reduce yourselves to beings seeking pleasure in unhealthy ways.

Seek His Kingdom. Seek His life. Seek Him.

Seek Him in a way that restores your soul, that brings your laughter back, and that lets your song be heard. Seek Him in a way that brings color back into your life, and in a way that marks your story victorious. Seek Him in a way that brings out the child in you, that makes you want to dance, that brings your imagination to life and brings you to a place of adventure.

I have a confession. I have done life without Jesus, attempting by my own strength to succeed. I failed. I have done life proclaiming the name of Jesus while still substantially trusting only myself, forgetting even to pray. I have failed at that, too. And I have done life with Jesus, seeking His face, and His heart of love for six billion people created uniquely, but all intertwined, oddly similar in the desires of our heats. That is where life is found. The fulfillment of life--and the joy, love and peace that accompany it--comes by the name of Jesus.

So now, I attempt to daily seek His kingdom, and ask that others would keep me accountable to that. And I ask that He would bring His Kingdom into my life with force, that He would revolutionize my world, shock me into the reality of His power, that He would overwhelm me with His greatness and that He would blow my mind with His love for people, and His love for life.

clockwatching

i am just a person--a soul in a body.
i breathe in, i breathe out; my heart pumps blood.
i love, i think, i imagine, i dream.
i am just a person.
and this Life is
mine.

at any moment, my breathing could slow,
and my beating heart could falter.
my mind could fail me, and my organs could admit defeat.
my body could surrender to the grave.
at any moment.

life is precious. time is precious.
a billion pictures captured, they fit together
the puzzle pieces of your existence
slowly coming together, telling a story.

how does it go?

inspiration comes. it says "live."
don't waste this precious gift.
use wisdom, have compassion, seek justice
find Life.

reality, though.
do not accept a fake.
we aren't talking about street vendors in the big city selling knock-off prada bags.
a phony will not do. a phony will never do.
pass it by, just keep walking. keep walking.
keep walking.

------

the sun is shining on me, i can feel its warmth.
its rays hit me, energy and renewal within its reach.
the darkness has claimed enough--enough time.
enough wandering, enough recklessness, enough of the soul-suckers.
enough.
the light is here, that we may have life and have it to the full.

the clock is ticking.
get it back:
beautiful, precious life.

i cannot waste it.
i cannot watch it pass before my eyes.
do not follow the herd to the slaughter.
do not be the cattle that is led astray.
choose wisely.
one choice, one chance to live.
don't waste it.
choose wisely.

before the sand runs out
turn your back on the faulty substitute.
turn your back on the stupid, life-stealing, self-destructive substitute.
follow the light, it leads to Life.

"Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way and everything will be fine."

**Details in the Fabric, Jason Mraz

life in technicolor

Life is beautiful.

That is not to say that life is perfect, that life is easy, or that life is always good. There is pain in the fabric of our lives. We enter the world with the groans of childbirth, we face challenges that seem insurmountable. Loved ones pass away, families crumble, friends betray, dreams don't always come to pass. Life is confusing and painful and unfair. Everyday, it seems, we move further from perfection, deeper into a pit of devastation, ignoring the intentions of God for our lives. Good people suffer, hearts break, chaos surrounds us, people are hungry, people are sick, people are lost.

Tonight I sleep in my bed, but tomorrow, I could be swallowed by the earth, left as skin and bones, my soul flying to a new world. There is no promise--life is but a breath, a fleeting moment.

And still, it is beautiful.

The heartache that we feel when a loved one dies proves that life is precious, that life is sacred. The devastation caused by a broken family shows that relationships are important, that love is important. Dreams prove that our lives have meaning, that what we do matters, that we have a purpose. Our heart aches for those in suffering because we have an intrinsic understanding, a deep knowledge that life is beautiful, life is valuable, life matters.

A leper suffers in silence, stigma attached to his very being. No one will touch him, no one will hold him, no one will care for him. And yet, he smiles, and he laughs. Would laughter exist were life not beautiful?

Would color exist if not to show us the beauty of our surroundings, of art, the beauty of expression, the beauty of our souls? And don't sprinkles just make you happy?? Would humans connect so deeply to music and art, would so many have the gift of creativity if life were not, ultimately, beautiful? Would travel and adventure be so exciting if life were not to be explored and enjoyed? Would good company and good conversation bring us so much comfort and hope if life was insignificant, if people were an afterthought?

Would I have ten fingers and ten toes if this life were not made for me? Would I have eyes to see and ears to hear the majesty of the earth, the compassion in others, the love offered to me?

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play, and to look up at the stars." -Henry Van Dyke

Life is beautiful. If life were not so, flowers would wilt, music would cease; laughter would turn to tears. If life were not beautiful, the sun would cease to rise and set, the waves would cease to crash; the hope of a new morning would disappear. Food would lose its flavor, hugs would make us cringe, conversation would turn to silence; babies would no longer smile, the sky would turn black, love would lose its power.

But it is not so. Regardless of circumstance, life is beautiful. There is suffering and injustice that we were never intended to experience, that we cannot understand, that we are desperate to change. Left to our own devices, we have chosen death. And yet life is beautiful, and Beauty is redemptive, Beauty is healing.

Our God, and our hope, is found in the beauty of life; our God is found in the midst of suffering, rising the sun every morning, filling our hearts with joy, bringing beauty forth from ashes.

and the walls come tumblin' down

I have a piece of the Berlin Wall sitting on the bookshelf in my bedroom.
A piece of this wall, a wall that stood for oppression and isolation, is sitting in my bedroom, as a reminder that walls can come down.

But forty years ago, nobody would have ever imagined that this wall could come down. Nobody would have ever dreamed of seeing the other side of this dreadful wall, ever again. Nobody believed that the wall that had been so present for a lifetime, containing them, trapping them, could ever come down.

Can you imagine being born into a world, living a lifetime suffocated by the presence of such oppression? Can you imagine believing that this was normal, that this was how life was intended to be?

Can you even imagine the emotions as the wall fell? Can you imagine what it felt like to be released from the bounds of this wall, from the authority of the guards telling you that freedom was not possible? Imagine the relief as you took a sledgehamer to this wall, this prison, and watched as it crumbled before you, and freedom was, once again, yours. It's powerful, right?

History is full of reasons to hope. I keep a piece of this wall on my bookshelf, in my bedroom, as a reminder that walls can come down, that freedom belongs to those who seek it, that God is a God of liberation. He does it for nations, for people groups, and He does it for individuals, for you and me.

Everyone, I think it's fair to say, has their own wall. It's usually the one thing that keeps you from truly living, the one thing that keeps you from wholeheartedly trusting in the name of Jesus. And, it's usually monstrous and scary.

It starts when we're young and it's full--of our insecurities, our failures, our fears; full of defense mechanisms and distrust; full of bad memories and every negative thing that we've been trained to believe, about ourselves and our world. Our response to the world is conditioned by the presence of this huge, ugly thing in our lives. It's dark, it's constricting, it's awful, and yet we've never lived without it.

And God says from the very beginning that He will knock it down, as soon as we are ready to take the first swing. Our reaction is very rarely to run to the shed and get the sledgehamer; we've become so comfortable with this life, regardless of the frustration and sadness over the presence of this wall, that we cannot even understand the freedom that comes on the other side. We've never lived without this wall--so much of our identity is decided by this stupid wall.

At what point do you decide that the pain of living with this wall is less than the pain you might experience while you knock it down? When have you had enough of letting this wall dictate how you respond to the people and the circumstances in your life? When do you finally realize that the freedom that Jesus offers us is better than life?

When do you finally decide that it's time to tear down this wall and let freedom be yours?

new soul

Something new is beginning. I can feel it in my soul. Something big, something unexpected, something so necessary for my life. I think you have to let God deal with your heart, dispense of the old, before He can bring you the new.

About six months ago, something began, and continues, in part, to this day. We all have our own trials....and this is my biggest, toughest, meanest trial thus far. It sank its sharp teeth into my skin and hasn't quite let go, leaving me bleeding, leaving me feeling messy. I did not foresee it--it hit me like a train, completely out of left field, altering everything I thought I knew about myself, about others, about life, about my God. The clarity of my human weakness was, and remains, evident. Questions, doubts, intense fears came to the surface, none of which I had the answer to.

And God reveals Himself through it, slowly, painfully dealing with the mess that is my life, that is our lives. It comes in waves; like so much of life, it ebbs and flows. Some days, I wake up, sure of the hope that I have in Jesus, feeling His deep love, aware that His mercies are new every morning, confident in His strength, and His promise for redemption and restoration, not just for me, for us all. Some days, though, to put it simply, suck. Some days, I feel off, I feel distant, I feel sure that this will bury me, that there is no light at the end of this tunnel, that my lantern is about to run out of oil. I know, for certain, that my strength, my desires, my intellect, are too weak to carry me through. And I lack patience.

I lack the strength or endurance to wait for God's timing, for His will to be revealed in this, for His glory to shine through my life. I lack the ability to see the bigger picture. I want it, yes, I believe in it, but I am tired. I am exhausted of it, completely drained. I want myself back. I need something new.

Do you ever just have a moment? A moment, maybe a song, maybe a few seconds where the chaos of life fades and you feel complete Peace, and you know, His Love is real, and it offers hope, and it is strong enough to pull us out of whatever grave we've dug for ourselves. It's a moment that reminds us that there is something more, something bigger, and it's coming for us.

I had one.

I was taking a shower, iPod playing my "worship playlist" in the background. I was about ready to get out, because technically I was done. Fresh and clean. But this song came on. Rescue is Coming, by David Crowder. I sat down in the shower and let the water hit my face, wash over me. I closed my eyes and listened to the words, just listening, needing to hear from God. Needing God to speak to my heart.

And there's nothing wrong with you
And nothing left to do
But believe something bigger
And there's nothing wrong with love
I know it's just enough to believe

Don't give up now
A break in the clouds
We will be found
Rescue is coming now

God is here. And when He comes, He brings renewal, and that's what I feel. A certain newness, which, unfortunately, doesn't mean that all my troubles are gone. But Our God is faithful, and Our God promises to make us new, to put a new song in our mouth, to give us a new spirit, to wash away the old, to restore us, to give us purpose and passion.

Ezekial 36:26 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws."

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

What exactly this means for my life right now, I couldn't even try to guess...God continually blows my mind, I don't even want to try and guess what is going on in His heart, because I'm usually wrong. But I can feel it stirring deep within my soul. I can feel it bubbling up within me, ready to explode out of every pore. I can feel it deep inside me, itching to come out.

I just want to get up, take my anxious energy and run until I find it. I want to run, shedding every piece of my former self until I have nothing, and from there, I will find it, this thing, whatever it is, that God has prepared for me, that I have been waiting for, that I need. I want to run until I find the heart of God, until my heart is beating in perfect unison with His. Then, I will be new.

stop this train

Take a moment to imagine me seven years ago, in my prime awkward years: huge glasses, braces color coordinated to upcoming holidays, crimped hair, Winnie the Pooh overalls, pooka shell necklace (pooka? puka? pookah???), platform shoes, book in hand.

This period of my life is known best for my crush on, we'll call him Dustin Dones, and for my geekiness. I was really into reading history books, and writing in my journal about daycare, the 12 billion guys who like me (I was oddly cocky...and surprisingly insecure...) and how prepared I was for a boyfriend. I was a wedding-loving, crush-having, science fair project-doing weirdo.

Now, I've gotten rid of the pooka shells, but not the bridal magazines; no more super-geek glasses, but I still have retainers (and a sweet lisp); I still do really dorky things, often, and I'm still absolutely a hopeless romantic. I still have insecurities that are rooted in far more than my junior high years, but insecurities seem to fade as Love comes in. I'm pretty confident that some of the desires of my heart at age twelve will remain there for eternity--they're rooted in more than junior high, too.

I'm a girl, to the core. My favorite color is purple and I have multiple playlists called "Love Songs." I talk, a lot. I love flowers and hugs and love stories. I read Redeeming Love and Captivating annually. Also, so that I can be a really good wife, I've read Wild at Heart and The Five Love Languages (I have all of them...). I still want the ultimate love story, but my idea of what that is changes almost daily. My understanding of love is changing almost daily. I think I'm changing daily, too. Weird how that happens.

Growing up is the weirdest thing that's happened to me so far. It's this completely beautiful thing mixed with so many fears, so many expectations, so many new things coming and so many old things going. Twelve year old Kara is long gone, and twenty year old Kara is just around the corner (oh my gosh). So many crushes have come and gone, and more, I'm sure, are just out there waiting for me. So many ideas, hopes and dreams have ended, many have yet to begin; some are being fulfilled right now. The past few years have been filled with so much--pain, joy, love, laughter, fear, excitement, challenges, growth. A constant, ever changing, sometimes awesome, sometimes awful, journey. My life has already been filled with so much, it's hard to even fathom what the future holds.

And now, I realize that I spend a large majority of the time thinking about my future (apparently, it's one of my strengths...), dreaming about and planning what is to come, neglecting today. I have to ask myself, why wait for the future, or spend too much time reminiscing about the past? This moment is happening, right here, right now. As for me, dorky, girly me, I intend to live it, still holding onto memories (and embarrasing humor) of the past, awaiting with hope the future, fully alive now. In the good, the bad, the painful, in the moments of frustration and in moments of joy, I'm going to live.

I'm not going to stop dreaming. The ability to dream, to hope, even in the midst of times of trial and pain is a gift that I'm not letting go of. But I'm not going to let my plans, or hopes, for the future get in the way of what God would intend for me to do today. I have faith that everything else will fall into place in God's timing.