eternity in our hearts

he has made everything beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

ecclesiastes 3:11

i had eternity in my heart before i had any idea what that meant

it was always easy to hope for

in my mind, it was renewal and restoration and the Lord's beautiful and intentional shaping of lives and hearts

in reality, it wasn't always easy to see and much less easy to grasp

sometimes all you get is a glimpse...

in a conversation

or Easter dinner with your family

or a story of tangible hope

[then you wait]

c.s. lewis calls them "stabs of joy" and that never quite left me

(lord knows i love that man...)

"stabs of joy:" the momentary satisfaction of an eternal heart-longing; glimpses into a sacred plan; opportunities to see even just a fleeting image of what should and will be

they're beautiful moments, really

reminding us of His heart and His hopes for us, if only we'd hope in Him

we get glimpses and wait for His perfect timing

(honestly, though? His timing, in our impatience or our hesitation or in light of our own hopes and plans, feels more painful than perfect)

but He has been dreaming from the beginning and letting us in on His vision

if we'd just have the courage to let Him dream it over us

imagine it for us and with us

then, walk in it confidently

{via}

sometimes, my confidence is shaky

yesterday, in a moment of doubt mixed with fear, i turned to my mentor and said:
"but i can't imagine anything better than this"

read: i'm not sure if that there could be anything else in store for me

her response was perfect (per usual) and much more eloquent and insightful than my paraphrased version:

"you don't need to. He is imagining it for you. this place where you are now is just a glimpse of what is to come."

all i have now is a glimpse

but i can expect good things, eternal things

things that satisfy the heart of God

made beautiful in His time

se la tout espwa: there is hope

i was in jamaica when the earthquake hit haiti. we crowded around a tiny tv set to watch the news stories unfold. images appeared and numbers rose; it felt so surreal. jamaica and haiti are almost sisters. histories of colonization, weather patterns, lush green land disrupted by poverty. i felt like i'd been there. like i knew their stories. i could've loved them the same; i could've felt the earth shake, too.

i'm sure i cried.
i'm sure i felt helpless
privileged
paralyzed.
i always do.

until i processed and sorted and stored away that trip, and haiti along with it.
beyond occasional reminders or heart tugs or books on the topic (i recommend following jesus through the eye of the needle and mountains beyond mountains), i'm not sure that haiti was much on my mind during the last fourteen months. it was replaced, i'm sure, with other worthy causes.

it is now april 14 and haiti is back with immediacy.
my church is raising $100,000 for a project with eternal significance, that aligns with God's heart for the widow and the orphan, the poor and the vulnerable. we have three more days.
so here we are, approaching easter, in the midst of haiti fundraiser after haiti fundraiser, in the midst of planning my own. i'm running through hypotheticals and making checklists: tables, signs, soundboards, lights, videos, cupcakes.
i've never done anything like this before.

out of everything, what stands out to me most:
you can learn a lot about the heart of God by planning a concert.

seriously.

try planning a last-minute benefit concert with very-talented-but-relatively-unknown-artists for a crisis that you can never really understand and you'll learn a lesson or two in
prayer
provision
thankfulness
empathy
community
dependence
purpose.


if you're lucky, you'll see His bigger story being told.
i guess i got lucky...





se la tout espwa pou Ayiti: there is hope for haiti
se la tout espwa pou imanite: there is hope for humanity

we are a part of it. we are hands and feet to His work of redemption and restoration
He is using His gifts in us and His passions in us
He is using our small voices to sing the song of His love for Haiti

we are joining in His resurrection story
Haiti, Branches, Nicole Vaughn, Claire de Lune, missiongathering, Flood, Children of the Nations, friends and strangers:
we are joining in His resurrection story, singing His resurrection song

in that, se la tout espwa: there is hope

*If you're available, we'd love for you to join!

your laughter

take bread way from me, if you wish

take air away

but do not take from me your laughter

do not take away the rose,

the lance flower that you pluck,

the water that suddenly bursts forth in joy,

the sudden wave of silver born in you

my struggle is harsh and i come back with eyes tired

at times from having seen the unchanging earth,

but when your laughter enters

it rises to the sky seeking me and

it opens for me all the doors of life

my love

in the darkest hour your laughter opens

and if suddenly you see my blood

staining the stones of the street,

laugh

because your laughter will be for my hands like a fresh sword,

next to the sea in the autumn

your laughter must raise its foamy cascade

and in the spring, love,

i want your laughter like the flower i was waiting for,

the blue flower, the rose of my echoing country

laugh at the night

at the day

at the moon

laugh at the twisted streets of the island

laugh at this clumsy [girl] who loves you,

but when i open my eyes and close them,

when my steps go, when my steps return

deny me bread

air

light

spring

but never your laughter

for i would die

{via}

{via}

your laughter

[pablo neruda]

celebrate good times (come on!!)

march has been a big month

a strange and beautiful month
if i could describe it in one word, i would choose
full
{full: filled to satisfaction}
(thankfully, nobody asked me to describe it in one word and, since it's my blog, i will use as many words as necessary...)





it has been about feasting and discerning and pra(y)sing
in the midst of it:
i've been to concerts and conferences and birthday parties
i've had overwhelming nights and looming decisions
changes of heart and changes back again
moments of utter creativity
laughter and tears
anticipation
joy


march is the halfway point
between october and august
the start and the finish of life as i know it
how dramatic does that sound?
but seriously. that is crazy
five months ago i entered a post-college world outside of my predictions
and bigger, even, than my hopes
i've watched community built up and walls broken down and anxieties pushed aside
for the sake of something bigger


and now, there is something bigger still
the culmination of years of planning and studying and working and dreaming
came in six little words:
"congratulations, you have been accepted into..."

in march, doors opened
...more than doors...
[entire cities, entire worlds]
and in rushed a billion emotions:

excitement, gratitude, pride (quickly followed by humility), humility (quickly followed by pride), fear, more excitement, disbelief, confusion, surprise, sadness, pieces of early-onset grief, euphoria, anxiety, hope, awe, curiosity, happiness...

and somehow, at the end of it, after all of it
there is peace and satisfaction
and it's time to celebrate



{via}

the madness of march

i've never been great at sports.
i played pickup soccer games on summer days at the local park
and went to school basketball games with paint on my face
i played tennis and learned to ski black-diamonds and had a brief stint with surfing
and of course, i was on the all-star softball team in 1993.
(and i looked good in my oversized purple jersey)
but mostly, with these few exceptions aside, i'm slightly uncoordinated and awkward so i took piano lessons and art classes instead.

the problem is that i'm competitive and empathetic.
a friend took me to a basketball game a few weeks ago
i half-jokingly promised: i will get emotionally invested in this team.
turns out: i keep my promises.


{via}

now, it's march madness and i've dedicated many hours of precious time
to bracket research and (friendly) trash talk and streaming live games on my work computer (shh, don't tell...)
i've found myself cheering loudly with friends and running around my house in excitement
you can call me a fair-weather fan and tell me that i've jumped on the bandwagon
and you wouldn't be completely wrong

but here's the thing(s):
it takes me approximately .42 seconds to get emotionally attached
(yes, even to basketball)
it doesn't help that 87% of my friends bleed red and black
it doesn't help that i want to see that 87% excited and celebrating
yes, i celebrate because i enjoy competition and a good game
i love bragging that i am part of the 4.5% who predicted a morehead state win
more than that, i love to celebrate alongside of the people that have come to mean so much to me, in the place that has come to mean so much to me
i love these joyful celebrations with friends
i love to see them celebrate their passions
because it brings me joy, too


march is about celebrating
{even amidst the madness}

hold it lightly

mantra [man-tras]

-noun

1. a holy word in meditation

2. an often repeated expression or idea

synonyms: song, hymn, tune

-------------------------------------------------------------------
i currently have a mantra--a simple phrase that has come to hold much meaning;
something that the Lord continues to whisper into my busy ears and anxious heart during the chaos of the last few weeks, and surely, the weeks to come:


{hold it lightly in your hands}

let it roll off like dust at the slightest breeze
or
let it rest peacefully where it lands

let it come or let it go

it=many, many things, big and little
because apparently, i'm at the age where the necessity of making important life decisions comes far too frequently
and the feeling of the want to grasp onto anything with potential is ever-present [hello, developer...]

somewhere in the back of my mind, always, is Jamaica, and now, Africa...acceptance letters to graduate programs, road trips to Boston, relationships and community and the home that He has built so intentionally around me

potential moves and forward motion

even still, He whispers: [hold it lightly in your hands]

be malleable according to His heart

He, the God of hold and release:
takes desires and gives opportunity
takes opportunity and gives courage
takes courage and gives paths-worth-walking

He gives dreams and visions and hopes and plans
that He asks me to hold lightly,
to trust that He will fulfill.

why my shirt said "love"

"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do that...but love your enemies, and do good, expecting nothing in return..."

(Luke 6:32ish)

i wore my "love" shirt yesterday, specifically and intentionally. because i woke up frustrated. i woke up thinking about this verse, thinking about my heart, and remembering the ease of love in jamaica. it is easy to love in jamaica, and i fall quickly into it. it is not so easy here. here is where real life happens. here is where the longevity of my love is tested--where i see if i am truly patient and kind; if i truly turn my heart against envy and pride and any sort of selfishness [hint: i'm not and i don't, but i'm working on it]. and this is the place where i see and overthink and analyze and attempt to discern the "love" around me.

i wore my "love" shirt yesterday, specifically and intentionally. the one with the flowers and the dove and the word "love" spelled out, front and center, to hold myself to some sort of higher standard. because i have decided to be about love. i have decided to be about Jesus, who embodies all that love is: patience, kindness, goodness, humility, selflessness, gentleness, forgiveness, grace, meekness, reconciliation, and on and on and on. i have a different standard to live by. and so does anybody who claims to be about Jesus. we are not called to get there apart from Him, but we are called to a new and different standard:

one that asks that i open myself to a world besides my own. it asks that i engage in conversation, that i listen, that i respond selflessly, patiently, with humility and kindness
(and for more than ten days in jamaica)
(and for more than two weeks in africa)
(and for more than the twenty minute difficult phone conversation each month)
(or the visit to difficult family members).

it's a life lived toward a new standard, worked out in day-to-day life, when friends annoy you, or conversations wound you, when you want to scream and cry and punch somebody in the face, but you choose to love instead.

i wore my "love" shirt, specifically and intentionally, because i'm not quite there and i just needed a little reminder.

{in love, there is freedom}

"We must move away from asking God to take care of the things that are breaking our hearts to praying about the things that are breaking God's heart."

- Margaret Gibb