running toward love

it's a common misconception that i run from love.

understandably so: you may have heard the story about the last guy that i tried to date. with the "maybe don't text me as often"s and the "you can't tell me what you like about me cause then i'll fall for you"s and even the "just so you know, this probably won't work out"s, twice a week. i could've handled that with much more grace. you could've heard about awkward email guy or the man on the airplane. and you might have read the post about the guy who i stupidly walked away from, sans introduction or the soulmate that my roommate chased because i wasn't quite brave enough. i get it. my track record with dating (or attempting to date) is less than stellar. i'm working on it, promise.

but what a strange, strange thing that we equate dating alone with my capacity to love, my bravery, my ability to be open with my own heart. there is far more to love than being in a relationship. i haven't found my personal mr. dreamboat yet. to be perfectly honest, i'm not really looking. i'll stumble upon him when the time is right for stumbling.

the love that i give at this point in my twenty-two years is not reserved for one man in the bounds of a facebook relationship status or a series of semi-awkward coffee dates or eventually a ring on my finger, but i do not run from love. promise.

i've got love to give. for now, i'm stumbling upon all kinds of people in the world who need a little loving. myself included. open your eyes and you'll see them, too. if you stick with me long enough, you'll see me running toward them, with all the love i can possibly give. promise, promise.

i saw what i saw

your pain has changed me

your dream inspires

your face a memory

your hope a fire

your courage asks me

what I'm afraid of

and what I know of love

i saw what i saw//sara groves

"You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much..."

--Good Will Hunting

and that is a beautiful challenge to pursue. so what do you say?? let's do it.

dear mr. poetry-and-curls,

it was stupid of me to walk away without introducing myself. even after our conversation about writing and poetry. even after our intense eye contact and that cute little smirk. even after you ordered the only vegetarian sandwich on the menu, the same one that i ordered 27 seconds before. and i didn't mean to invade your space, but if you didn't want to talk to me, you probably shouldn't have left your book in front of me to browse through.

i should have said, "hi, my name is kara. i noticed that you're buying a bundle of bananas with your dinner. i sometimes do that, too. i noticed your book--i'd love to sit and read it with you for hours. i have a feeling we should eat our animal-friendly dinners together."

or, you know, none of that. instead of rushing back to work, i should have said a simple hello, with a simple handshake and a simple smile. so mr. poetry, what would you think of a second chance? same time next week? i'll be the one ordering the mediterranean. i'll look for you and your bananas.

love always,

kara

p.s. i'm so glad that you're not mr. brazillian-promise-me-a-kiss...

Have you heard of StrengthsFinder?

It's this creepily-accurate test to tell you...just guess...your strengths! (Did you see that coming?) I've taken the test twice now, because as I've grown and experienced new things, it's impossible to be unchanged. Except, not too impossible. Some of my strengths have stayed the same. I took it the first time as a sophomore in college (which was...4 years ago. Yikes.) to find that my strengths were Responsibility, Empathy, Developer, Futuristic and Positivity.

This time around, I've got Connectedness, Developer, Input, Empathy and Belief and I'm a little freaked out that Mr. Tom Rath can know so much about me from 34 simple questions.

Connectedness: "You gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it...Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives.

Developer: "You see the potential in others. Very often, in fact, potential is all you see. In your view, no individual is fully formed...each individual is a work in progress, alive with possibilities. And you are drawn toward people for this very reason...You look for ways to challenge them. You devise interesting experiences that can stretch them and help them grow..."

Input: "You are inquisitive. You collect things--words, facts, books, and quotations. Yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity...You keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It's interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable."

Empathy: "You can sense the emotions of those around you. You canfeel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need...You help them give voice to their emotional life."

Belief: "[Your belief] gives your life meaning and satisfaction...It provides you with direction, guiding you through the temptations and distractions of life toward a consistent set of priorities....Your work must be meaningful; it must matter to you..."

What do you think?? Did they name my strengths?

Have you taken it? What are your strengths??

Interested? Check it out.

blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

(note: this post will be a bit of a downer...read on if you'd like)

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." --Anais Nim

----------------

I grew up at 3024 Cabrillo Avenue, then 221 Oakham Court. My walls were painted pink and purple and I played make believe on the hammock outside my window. We had birthday parties and scavenger hunts and sleepovers and things were simply beautiful. It was before I noticed skeletons creep in to steal life, before insatiable addictions took their grip, before my eyes watched a human life shatter and crumble and dissolve.

There was brokenness, then separateness.

Then attempts at reconciliation.

I called long distance to offer a paradoxical love--it was the absolute most that my heart could give to a good but painfully broken man who (despite divorce and death) will always be family, but it was never never enough. It was stabs of joy, moments of hope, maybe, but I am only human. He was only human, too. It pained me to listen to lonely words, to hear bitter resentment on his lips and to understand the fear of death in his voice. His body slipped slowly beyond restoration, one organ at a time and I held desperately to the hope that there is no such thing as a body too broken for healing.

I can't imagine that it was the life he dreamed for himself. There were years of relational conflict, hospital visits and operations and a loosening grip on health, community and love, and then that was it. I made a choice: That is not the life that I choose to remember of him. I am choosing to remember double-butt man and dancing in the living room; that stupid ugly work van that picked me up from daycare, endless M&Ms; getting my toes cracked before bed, and a hundred other things worth remembering. I am choosing to forget the rest.

There simply wasn't enough love or compassion or grace to hold him here. But blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven; and oh, what a beautiful Kingdom it is--where there is enough love and compassion and grace to satisfy a tired soul for all of eternity, and it is where he rests. I'm absolutely sure of it.

rent this. seriously, do it.

"i want to gratefully acknowledge the powerful voice of women from all walks of life"

head versus heart, part 1

tomorrow is october 9

any of my avid blog followers (mom...kendra...taylor...and i love you for it!) know that my 72 day count-down officially ends in 23.5 hours

except that the countdown has become rather anti-climactic

given that my plans change like my underwear (DAILY!)

to quote a death cab song:

i'm a war of head versus heart

my usually-timid-afraid-of-mistakes heart tends to whisper

my overly-rational-self-limiting-far-too-logical head tends to shout

what was 72 days devoted to rigid schedules and practice tests and lsat books piled high turned into quiet-enough-days to hear little secrets in the wind, echoes of a greater Voice:

make joyful decisions

you are not behind

make joyful decisions

you are not behind

make joyful decisions

you are not behind

i like that.

so, even in the noise of the last 72 days (did i mention the weddings? three jobs? the wardrobe currently living on my floor and in my bed and everywhere but my dresser...)

the whisper won and to my very pleasant surprise,

it wasn't a whisper anymore.

tonight, instead of frantically cramming logic games and reading comprehension

i'm wrapped up in a blanket

drinking chocolate milk

filling out applications

joyfully celebrating the decisions i've made with my heart, not my head

chocolate milk makes for the perfect evening

maybe someday, if we keep this relationship of ours up, i'll even let you in on what these heart-led decisions are :)

now, if you would be so kind as to riddle me this:

where is your heart leading??

"fill your life with as many moments and experiences of joy and passion as you humanly can"

Marcia Wieder