september brings depth

i prefer to ignore anything that i've written prior to september
anything written before september was an attempt,
an experiment in stringing words together
to make sentences
that had meaning

but what i wrote prior to september was shallow
and cliche
and lacked insight
or even an awareness of reality

what i wrote prior to september was sheltered
and generalized
and barely scratched the surface
of the constant clanging in my brain
and always finished with a happy ending
and reading these things makes me oddly uncomfortable
with who that person was

i don't like who i was prior to september
i was hopeful, yes, but i was hiding
i was scared
and closed off
a bit cold
and maybe even fake
like a little child
trying to write about grown-up things
trying to prove my goodness and my wisdom and my value
trying to be a me that wasn't me

a little child trying to write about
love
love
love
because i thought i was entitled to it
and i thought i understood it
and i'd read so many books about waiting for it
and my heart ached for it

and when the opportunity presented itself
i ran
like we were playing a game of hide-and-seek
and my heart knew all of the good spots
because it had been hidden all along
he wasn't aware that i had regressed into a child
playing games in the playground

and i was a little girl, pretending perfection
with baby hints at emotional turmoil
without telling you that i was in distress
without honestly saying
i don't understand
where is God?
can i trust this?
help

anything written prior to september is just
a collection of nice words and hopeful ideals
reality, though, points to brokenness and questions
and a journey towards healing
and a journey towards knowledge and understanding
and Him

september, and the silent months that preceded it
changed me
because as the world spins faster and faster around you
you can either
sit still, dizzied by the movement, longing to join in
or
be swept up by the motion
and be transformed

september brought depth
and freedom
to so many parts of my life
freedom to stop striving
freedom to be nothing but myself
brokenness, fears, flaws, scars and all
freedom to stop explaining
to let my heart out of its hiding
to exist, pressureless, as me
not as bright and shiny
and perfect Christian school girl
and perfect Christian family
and perfect Christian life
that i thought was mandatory
but Christian, that is, in need of Christ

september gave me an excuse to cry
to be upset
and to look past the mild pain i was experiencing
because of a fractured relationship and
living in a place of literal isolation and loneliness
to see deeper wounds
scars that had tattered my heart

september started a process
and it flooded my vision
things that needed to be changed
vulnerability
or lack thereof
inter-dependence
or lack thereof
communication
or lack thereof

september reminded me
that i have nothing to prove
but much to learn

and that writing is worship
(worship: giving God the recognition He deserves)
so here's my act of worship
i'll write from the deepest part of my soul and mind
if i'm happy
sad
angry
confused
joyous
excited
hurt
frustrated
if i'm ....
i'll write