midnight ramblings

it's late, i have class in six hours
my body still thinks it's in hawaii
and doesn't listen when i tell it to go to sleep
the dr pepper i had with dinner isn't helping

so it's the middle of the night and
i've registered for summer classes and
researched flights
i'm going to jamaica
and i'm going to hawaii
and my best friend is getting married
and i'm ecstatic

right now, i'm tired
but my body won't accept it
and i'm running out of things to do
i have a quiz tomorrow
but i don't particularly feel like studying
i am, however, considering skipping class
just one
history=boring
(i'm not sure why i chose it as a minor...i love history and always find myself bored during history classes...bizarro)

i'm feeling rather anti-school right now
spring break, please come back??
you are always welcome in my life
just three more weeks until easter
and good friday, and passover: round two
i can make it i can make it i can make it

i haven't been home in nine weeks
twelve by the time i get there
not that i counted or anything
but i'm just sayin, it's the longest i've been away, ever
and i'm so looking forward to
my bed
my bathtub
my carpet (if you knew how fluffy and soft my carpet is, you'd understand...)
my roof
my backyard
my kitchen

really, though, it's that i'm getting antsy
eight more weeks of school
then i'm a senior
in college
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so i'm thinking more about that
and i'm much more excited about planning for my future
than i am about contemporary social issues and
the history of modern france

planning, how i love you....
the line between "present" and "future" is quickly beginning to blur
finally, there is an excuse to spend hours researching, to use my clipboard, and to make charts and calendars and venn diagrams
i've planned my schedule for summer/fall/spring
it will be a sad sad day when a job requires my attendance five out of seven days
i'm used to two day weeks and five days of rest
i'm not ready for reality
ptl for grad school

oh, grad school, i so look forward to you

i've narrowed it down to two schools
and travel has been arranged
meetings have been scheduled
and i'm starting to pray so that when i'm there
hopefully, i'll just know, you know?

because i've never just known
anything
and i always thought that i would just know
but i didn't and i haven't
decisions are hard for me; commitment is nearly impossible
because there are countless options (2)
how do you chose just one out of so many (really, it probably won't be too hard...)
how do you know that this one is the one and you can rest easy knowing that you've chosen correctly? (i just freaked out about something that is so beyond grad school...welcome to my brain...)

these two schools are sisters
sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters (if you know where that's from, i'll love you forever)
and i have an inkling of an idea of which one i'll chose
my heart is already leaning in one direction and pushing back against the other
but i have to look at option two
because to not look would be silly, borderline irresponsible
and responsibility is my number one

my predictions:
option one makes my heart pitter-patter in a way that i'm not used to
like, a good way
like, if option one were a boy, i'd have a huge crush on it and would look at its facebook page multiple times a day and dress up real cute to try to impress it
good thing i don't have a facebook
too bad it's not a boy

option two=lose
sometimes, just thinking about that campus makes me nauseous
and i don't need two years of upset-stomach
but, it's got a program that is very appealing and so i might have to get over myself
and maybe let go of my pride a little
is it cheating on option one if i just look?
it's not like there's a ring involved...
it's just like a first date--like starbucks or ice cream or a nice conversation over lunch

that was a weird analogy.
i'm weird. it's late. i'm tired.

back to my school-crush:
i've already spent hours researching option one
i've practically memorized the website and the course requirements
i've looked for housing and i've monitered weather
and i've done all that i can to picture myself in this lovely place
and i totally can

i can really really really see myself there
i can really see myself studying in a cafe
playing in the rain
living in a loft with exposed brick walls and
drinking hot chocolate (coffee=bleckh)
exploring the eclectic city and finding all sorts of fun adventures
and having great conversations with like-minded people over starbucks or ice cream or lunch
(like a real date, not a date with a university)
(not that i have a problem with dating a university...i'm very much looking forward to march 30 and april 20)
(but i have very high standards and not just any old school is going to do the trick)

all that to say:
yes, option one, i will marry you! i'm SO glad you asked!

(honestly, what is going on in my brain right now?? i haven't a clue...)

goodnight.