je t'aime

Je suis tombé dans l'amour en France.

Peut-être c'était la Tour Eiffel
ou les lumières réflecteur à la Seine.
Peut-être c'était les tours longs de train
et l'écrit à la main des lettres.
Peut-être c'était le lieu du marché, rempli avec le fruit et les fleurs et les gens,
et que mon coeur était ouvert dans une nouvelle façon,
pour la première fois.
Et j'ai raconté avec hésitation mes histoires
et a essayé les eaux avec circonspection
comme nous filmons en video bavardé et a envoyé les lettres electronique.
J'ai bêtement fait semblant que
la joie, l'excitation, le désir, heureux, béni sentant
dans l'intérieur de mon coeur
n'était pas de grande affaire.
Mais j'ai envoyé des cartes postales
pour indiquer mon affection profonde
avec les mots que je ne pourrais pas dire.

Et je suis passé du temps à rêver,

et mes expériences j'ai désiré partager avec cet homme.

Je ne sais pas exactement ce que c'était.
Mais je suis tombé dans l'amour en France.

Il semble que je l'ai oublié en France
parce que je n'arrive pas à trouver ce cœur plus.

summerbeheresoon

summer 2008 was perfect in so many ways
france stands in my mind as the best two months of my life
america was great, too
weddings and out-of-state visits
and first kisses and birthdays
so much love
my heart almost exploded

summer 2009
i'm nervous to make predictions
i don't want to say better or worse
just different
in all the right ways
i can't wait

september brings depth

i prefer to ignore anything that i've written prior to september
anything written before september was an attempt,
an experiment in stringing words together
to make sentences
that had meaning

but what i wrote prior to september was shallow
and cliche
and lacked insight
or even an awareness of reality

what i wrote prior to september was sheltered
and generalized
and barely scratched the surface
of the constant clanging in my brain
and always finished with a happy ending
and reading these things makes me oddly uncomfortable
with who that person was

i don't like who i was prior to september
i was hopeful, yes, but i was hiding
i was scared
and closed off
a bit cold
and maybe even fake
like a little child
trying to write about grown-up things
trying to prove my goodness and my wisdom and my value
trying to be a me that wasn't me

a little child trying to write about
love
love
love
because i thought i was entitled to it
and i thought i understood it
and i'd read so many books about waiting for it
and my heart ached for it

and when the opportunity presented itself
i ran
like we were playing a game of hide-and-seek
and my heart knew all of the good spots
because it had been hidden all along
he wasn't aware that i had regressed into a child
playing games in the playground

and i was a little girl, pretending perfection
with baby hints at emotional turmoil
without telling you that i was in distress
without honestly saying
i don't understand
where is God?
can i trust this?
help

anything written prior to september is just
a collection of nice words and hopeful ideals
reality, though, points to brokenness and questions
and a journey towards healing
and a journey towards knowledge and understanding
and Him

september, and the silent months that preceded it
changed me
because as the world spins faster and faster around you
you can either
sit still, dizzied by the movement, longing to join in
or
be swept up by the motion
and be transformed

september brought depth
and freedom
to so many parts of my life
freedom to stop striving
freedom to be nothing but myself
brokenness, fears, flaws, scars and all
freedom to stop explaining
to let my heart out of its hiding
to exist, pressureless, as me
not as bright and shiny
and perfect Christian school girl
and perfect Christian family
and perfect Christian life
that i thought was mandatory
but Christian, that is, in need of Christ

september gave me an excuse to cry
to be upset
and to look past the mild pain i was experiencing
because of a fractured relationship and
living in a place of literal isolation and loneliness
to see deeper wounds
scars that had tattered my heart

september started a process
and it flooded my vision
things that needed to be changed
vulnerability
or lack thereof
inter-dependence
or lack thereof
communication
or lack thereof

september reminded me
that i have nothing to prove
but much to learn

and that writing is worship
(worship: giving God the recognition He deserves)
so here's my act of worship
i'll write from the deepest part of my soul and mind
if i'm happy
sad
angry
confused
joyous
excited
hurt
frustrated
if i'm ....
i'll write

midnight ramblings

it's late, i have class in six hours
my body still thinks it's in hawaii
and doesn't listen when i tell it to go to sleep
the dr pepper i had with dinner isn't helping

so it's the middle of the night and
i've registered for summer classes and
researched flights
i'm going to jamaica
and i'm going to hawaii
and my best friend is getting married
and i'm ecstatic

right now, i'm tired
but my body won't accept it
and i'm running out of things to do
i have a quiz tomorrow
but i don't particularly feel like studying
i am, however, considering skipping class
just one
history=boring
(i'm not sure why i chose it as a minor...i love history and always find myself bored during history classes...bizarro)

i'm feeling rather anti-school right now
spring break, please come back??
you are always welcome in my life
just three more weeks until easter
and good friday, and passover: round two
i can make it i can make it i can make it

i haven't been home in nine weeks
twelve by the time i get there
not that i counted or anything
but i'm just sayin, it's the longest i've been away, ever
and i'm so looking forward to
my bed
my bathtub
my carpet (if you knew how fluffy and soft my carpet is, you'd understand...)
my roof
my backyard
my kitchen

really, though, it's that i'm getting antsy
eight more weeks of school
then i'm a senior
in college
asldkfoaiweuralskdjfaosidf
so i'm thinking more about that
and i'm much more excited about planning for my future
than i am about contemporary social issues and
the history of modern france

planning, how i love you....
the line between "present" and "future" is quickly beginning to blur
finally, there is an excuse to spend hours researching, to use my clipboard, and to make charts and calendars and venn diagrams
i've planned my schedule for summer/fall/spring
it will be a sad sad day when a job requires my attendance five out of seven days
i'm used to two day weeks and five days of rest
i'm not ready for reality
ptl for grad school

oh, grad school, i so look forward to you

i've narrowed it down to two schools
and travel has been arranged
meetings have been scheduled
and i'm starting to pray so that when i'm there
hopefully, i'll just know, you know?

because i've never just known
anything
and i always thought that i would just know
but i didn't and i haven't
decisions are hard for me; commitment is nearly impossible
because there are countless options (2)
how do you chose just one out of so many (really, it probably won't be too hard...)
how do you know that this one is the one and you can rest easy knowing that you've chosen correctly? (i just freaked out about something that is so beyond grad school...welcome to my brain...)

these two schools are sisters
sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters (if you know where that's from, i'll love you forever)
and i have an inkling of an idea of which one i'll chose
my heart is already leaning in one direction and pushing back against the other
but i have to look at option two
because to not look would be silly, borderline irresponsible
and responsibility is my number one

my predictions:
option one makes my heart pitter-patter in a way that i'm not used to
like, a good way
like, if option one were a boy, i'd have a huge crush on it and would look at its facebook page multiple times a day and dress up real cute to try to impress it
good thing i don't have a facebook
too bad it's not a boy

option two=lose
sometimes, just thinking about that campus makes me nauseous
and i don't need two years of upset-stomach
but, it's got a program that is very appealing and so i might have to get over myself
and maybe let go of my pride a little
is it cheating on option one if i just look?
it's not like there's a ring involved...
it's just like a first date--like starbucks or ice cream or a nice conversation over lunch

that was a weird analogy.
i'm weird. it's late. i'm tired.

back to my school-crush:
i've already spent hours researching option one
i've practically memorized the website and the course requirements
i've looked for housing and i've monitered weather
and i've done all that i can to picture myself in this lovely place
and i totally can

i can really really really see myself there
i can really see myself studying in a cafe
playing in the rain
living in a loft with exposed brick walls and
drinking hot chocolate (coffee=bleckh)
exploring the eclectic city and finding all sorts of fun adventures
and having great conversations with like-minded people over starbucks or ice cream or lunch
(like a real date, not a date with a university)
(not that i have a problem with dating a university...i'm very much looking forward to march 30 and april 20)
(but i have very high standards and not just any old school is going to do the trick)

all that to say:
yes, option one, i will marry you! i'm SO glad you asked!

(honestly, what is going on in my brain right now?? i haven't a clue...)

goodnight.

love you, bye

we made a promise tonight, sitting on my couch, that our time together would never end without a
"do you guys want to pray?"

sweet sweet time in prayer lifting up
new relationships
broken hearts
anxious minds
hopeful futures

four of us, in completely different places in life, together on a couch
praying to a God in whom we've placed our whole lives
and all of our faith
and hope and trust

believing that His word is true and His promises are real and good and soon-coming

moments where our prayers echo our realities
and finish with an honest "love you, bye"

ruah YHWH

my christian marriage class is waaaaay better than i expected
which is odd, because i'm currently ambivalent about whether i even want to get married
which is more odd, i'm aware, given who i am, and how much i used to talk about/think about/plan my wedding and think about marriage and dream about a boy who would be my husband
but, right now, ambivalence
maybe it will pass, maybe not
either way, i'm okay with it

i'm okay with devoting my life to a quest of knowledge about Jesus

this theology class makes me think about Him in all sorts of new ways
my professor is so passionate about who He is
and uses the most beautiful syntax
that even if i didn't already love Jesus
his words would peak my interest
and lure my heart towards Him

i scribble down phrases in my notebook, verbatim
to look at and dwell on later
because what he says is true and beautiful
sometimes it brings tears to my eyes
in the middle of class
and that's embarrassing
so i avert my gaze
and i feel like i'm the only one who cares
and it's so much more than a GE requirement
and i want everybody to love what he says like i do

this class is changing me

today, he talked about being lovingly possessed by Christ
and my heartbeat quickened
because i've been thinking about this all week
and i felt like the two of us were in on a mystery that others had yet to discover
about all-things ruah
Ruah YHWH: breathe of God, mighty wind, Spirit of God

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

and about my SPIRIT (life and vitality)
ruah: as if a supernatural force is taking possession of my spirit

i've been bouncing back and forth between genesis and mark
old testament and new testament
trying to understand what ruah means
and what authority God has over the Spirit of man
mind, body, soul

OT: we were loved into existence
the Spirit of God created all things, all things are under His control
NT: Jesus is God's self-revelation; the Spirit of God descended on Jesus like a dove; the Spirit of God lovingly possessed Jesus Christ

then there is a bunch of stuff about the Trinity
an encounter with the three-in-one
another mystery that i have yet to fully unearth
Father, Son, Holy Spirit=ONE
so the Spirit in Jesus is God, and Jesus is God, and the Spirit is of God and is God
and i think my brain is going to explode
the Trinity is way beyond the reaches of my mind
maybe eventually?

but what i do understand is
Jesus, taking possession of my spirit
allowing me to share in the same nature as Christ
and that the purpose of life is a constant stretching of our capacity to know God
God is present in every moment, at every place
and the goal, our job, our life depends on our response to His presence
----------------------------
other news:
i just got tricked into buying girl scout cookies.
i tried the "i don't have any cash" trick, but was quickly informed that they take checks.
crap. so now I have a box of samoas, which really isn't the worst thing that could happen.
and my hair is almost long enough for a ponytail. ptl.

Listening to: Hillsong, Healer

By listening to, I mean replaying over and over again in my head.
My brain is practically a stereo system.

The first time I heard this song, it was accompanied by the true story of the writer, a man who faked sickness and healing and wrote this song about the faithfulness of God in physically healing his body.
It put a bit of a damper on the song itself.
The truth of the song was still there, but somehow, singing the words made me feel like I was lying too, that I was also fabricating a story.

And for the last six months, four lines from this one song that I don't care much for has replayed in my head, over and over and ovvveeerrrrrr again.

"Nothing is impossible for You,
nothing is impossible for You,
nothing is impossible for You,
You hold my world in Your hands."

I mean, over and over and over again, this truth plays on repeat in my brain.

My entire world is in His hands.
everything that I've ever cared about
everything that I care about now
everything that I will ever care about in the future
it's in His hands.
People, experiences, circumstances--in His hands.
Everything, in His hands.
And truth: Nothing is impossible for Him.

I picture a little child in a store full of glass statues, fine china, porcelain, carefully holding a piece of work fashioned with love, keeping it close to him, aware of his responsibility to keep it whole, keep it intact. He doesn't take this job lightly. He doesn't let it fall, or break, or crumble.

And what about God? With our worlds, He cares just the same.

What felt overwhelming and defeating yesterday holds no bearing as I sing these truths over my life. He holds my world in His hands.

Nothing is impossible for Him.

uggggh

i don't wanna go i don't wanna go i don't wanna goooooo

leaving sucks.