it's late

the clock is creeping past one
and i'm wide awake
dang you dr pepper and lack of self-control surrounding all-things-food

we watched under the tuscan sun tonight
for the first time
next up: life is beautiful
since we're on the theme of italy
and screwing up my heart

because i had buried the desire for love deep down in my heart
and covered it with layers of dirt
and i hadn't watched a real romance movie in at least six months
but blast! we watched this movie tonight
and the thread has been pulled
now my whole cover is unraveling before my eyes

because i did want love, and then i really didn't
and now, that want re-emerges
and i forgot how sweet love could be
but now i remember
and i wanted that desire to go away completely
(because apparently, i'm not a girl anymore??)
so that i could focus my attention on other things
things that don't make me nauseous and heartsick and scared out of my mind
things that really truly seem to be life-or-death
Truth and Freedom and Life

this season (and i hate saying "season" because it sounds so "woman retreat-ish" and old...)
has been about growth and transformation
and vulnerability
and finally releasing the Holy Spirit from the "silent treatment" i had shackled Him with for so long
and holy cow, it's been a journey
but i kinda sorta love where i am
and i wouldn't want anything to distract me from where i am going
from where He is taking me
not anything, anything, anything
i guess the proper word would be: nothing

nothing, right now, seems more important
than living in the Truth that i've discovered
or walking with the creative spirit that brings life

nothing, right now, seems more important
than my nighttime walks
painting murals
discovering the truth about my human nature
or the nature of His divinity

and it's love, but in an all together different way
than i ever expected
and that is all there is to it.

goodnight.