me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain

i love the saturday night routine that i've
accidentally, coincidentally, habitually
fallen into

we had a fiesta tonight
then watched yet another foreign film
because i'm determined to really really know french
parce que, vraiment, c'est la plus belle langue dans le monde

but now, everybody has left my home
and again, the clock has ticked past one
it's silent

just me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain
which has been working overtime
because i'm on this adventure
where every day, it seems, holds a great discovery
and there seems to be an insatiable curiosity deep inside of me
to know, to create
to connect the dots of this mysterious existence

because He doesn't make sense
or fit inside of a box, any box, no matter what box i try
He has quickly, with no hesitation, destroyed the boundaries of
my imagination
my reality
my spiritual-ness
my humanity
my....everything

He's shaking things up

there's so much new insight in my brain
it's very possible that it will soon explode

this semester, i committed to waking up at 7
every tuesday/thursday
so that i can learn about the
christian understanding of the human person
my professor, i'm sure, is very intelligent
but mostly, she loves to tell stories about west virginia and her cats
(she is very much a cat lady)
so i haven't really learned much at that dreaded hour
but oddly enough, i am learning
more than what could be taught in history books
or works of fiction

i am learning what it means to be human
living in a body that is set to decay
walking in the "body-spirit" tension

it's been a theme
(i'm sure you've noticed)

i can tell you that my body
how it moves, how it works, what it contains
is product of both
image of God: divine breath, divine shape, divine purpose
and the destruction of the Fall
our silly, but oh so powerful, human nature

i'm learning
over and over again
that our bodies do matter
and that our spirits do matter
and that our hearts and our minds and
everything that gives us life
matters

we (body, spirit, heart, mind) were created to experience God
to be moved by His Spirit
to experience the beautiful and the mundane as spiritual entities
bringing us further into Him

my heart is the very center of my being
and while psychology may prove me wrong
the biblical image of the heart is:
source of affection, thought, purpose and imagination

and my heart is part of my body
and my body cries out for the Lord
so it must follow that
my affections, thoughts, purposes, imagination and creative energy
are finding retreat in Him
being transformed towards Him
being redeemed by Him

He's changing my world
spinning it around and around

simple things are now spiritual encounters
encounters that reflect the very essence of who He is
words fail to do it justice
music has changed
art has changed
literature has changed
what i can do with my mind and my hands
with my camera and my paintbrushes and my piano
have changed

He is in everything
and He has made Himself big
in my imagination, in visions, in my transformation:
becoming one who sees and creates and partakes in Him

it's strange to open myself up to new roles
as if i, myself, am a new creation

because i never thought that He would speak to me with such clarity
or that i would sense Him in a death cab for cutie song and that it would bring me to tears
i never thought that i would paint murals
(or coordinate the painting of murals)
or that my unsatisfied need to be bound to His creative Spirit would ever be fulfilled
that i could have a creative spirit, too
that He approves of my imagination, embraces it, encourages it
that He loves my body and has great plans to redeem it
that, as far as humans go, i am the worst of them
but i have chosen to follow His cross
and count my sins as loss

so i am now engaging in a constant process of dying and rising
dying to self, rising to Him
dying to self, rising to creativity
dying to self, rising to discipleship
dying to self, rising to love
dying to self, rising to community
dying to self, rising to life
rising to life
rising to life

and this is life
it is full and wonderful and i am happy