sunshine :)

i sat on the grass today for a cumulative four hours
because i belong outside
with the sun shining down on me
and the wind rubbing up against my bare skin
tickling my arms and legs
a dress with no shoes and
i feel beautiful

oh, how we need days like today
to remind us in the most organic of ways
how sweet His love is

it's nice to wear a dress that is
light and flowy and feminine
as i sit in the sun with my journal
and ponder what kind of girl/woman i am
or i am becoming

there was a time when the only dream that my heart would allow
was me, with a boy
his ambiguous figure constantly present in my imagination
as i created glimpses of our adventure in my mind
a great romance, beautiful redemption

it feels odd to be sans ce rêve
because for so long, it defined me
and i wanted to be beautiful for him
and i wanted to be lovely for him
and i wanted to be alluring for him
there was so much love to be given
and i ached for the day when it would no longer be a dream

i don't know that i want him anymore
i don't know that i need him for my grand adventure
or that i need him to define me, to tell me i am
beautiful, lovely, alluring, valuable, good
i don't know that i could truly love him
while i am still learning to love myself

i have embarked on a journey
of self-discovery
because i have been trapped by my own dreams
and by my own ideas of self
and i am finally finally finally letting them go

but when i say "letting them go," i mean,
my heart has been hardened
maybe it's pride, or fear, or some strange mixture of both
maybe it goes much deeper than a desire for freedom
and when i say "maybe," i'm trying to pretend like it isn't pride, or fear,
or that it isn't bad that my heart has been hardened to this kind of love
though i know it is

but i am twenty, inching closer to twenty-one
i am on a journey towards love and gradual softening
and my heart is closed towards him
but is open wide to the
sunshine and the wind and
living barefoot in my pretty dress