stop this train

Take a moment to imagine me seven years ago, in my prime awkward years: huge glasses, braces color coordinated to upcoming holidays, crimped hair, Winnie the Pooh overalls, pooka shell necklace (pooka? puka? pookah???), platform shoes, book in hand.

This period of my life is known best for my crush on, we'll call him Dustin Dones, and for my geekiness. I was really into reading history books, and writing in my journal about daycare, the 12 billion guys who like me (I was oddly cocky...and surprisingly insecure...) and how prepared I was for a boyfriend. I was a wedding-loving, crush-having, science fair project-doing weirdo.

Now, I've gotten rid of the pooka shells, but not the bridal magazines; no more super-geek glasses, but I still have retainers (and a sweet lisp); I still do really dorky things, often, and I'm still absolutely a hopeless romantic. I still have insecurities that are rooted in far more than my junior high years, but insecurities seem to fade as Love comes in. I'm pretty confident that some of the desires of my heart at age twelve will remain there for eternity--they're rooted in more than junior high, too.

I'm a girl, to the core. My favorite color is purple and I have multiple playlists called "Love Songs." I talk, a lot. I love flowers and hugs and love stories. I read Redeeming Love and Captivating annually. Also, so that I can be a really good wife, I've read Wild at Heart and The Five Love Languages (I have all of them...). I still want the ultimate love story, but my idea of what that is changes almost daily. My understanding of love is changing almost daily. I think I'm changing daily, too. Weird how that happens.

Growing up is the weirdest thing that's happened to me so far. It's this completely beautiful thing mixed with so many fears, so many expectations, so many new things coming and so many old things going. Twelve year old Kara is long gone, and twenty year old Kara is just around the corner (oh my gosh). So many crushes have come and gone, and more, I'm sure, are just out there waiting for me. So many ideas, hopes and dreams have ended, many have yet to begin; some are being fulfilled right now. The past few years have been filled with so much--pain, joy, love, laughter, fear, excitement, challenges, growth. A constant, ever changing, sometimes awesome, sometimes awful, journey. My life has already been filled with so much, it's hard to even fathom what the future holds.

And now, I realize that I spend a large majority of the time thinking about my future (apparently, it's one of my strengths...), dreaming about and planning what is to come, neglecting today. I have to ask myself, why wait for the future, or spend too much time reminiscing about the past? This moment is happening, right here, right now. As for me, dorky, girly me, I intend to live it, still holding onto memories (and embarrasing humor) of the past, awaiting with hope the future, fully alive now. In the good, the bad, the painful, in the moments of frustration and in moments of joy, I'm going to live.

I'm not going to stop dreaming. The ability to dream, to hope, even in the midst of times of trial and pain is a gift that I'm not letting go of. But I'm not going to let my plans, or hopes, for the future get in the way of what God would intend for me to do today. I have faith that everything else will fall into place in God's timing.