this just happened

i'm in the elevator, on the phone with my best friend, obviously not paying attention
i press "1" because i'm going to the laundry room to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer

i'm talking, talking, talking
the doors open, i get off the elevator, two boys get on
still talking
i look around and think to myself, this doesn't look like the first floor
and i immediately realize that it is, in fact, the second floor
so i quickly run back, screaming "WAIT! WAIT!"

the boys hold the door open for me
and look at me like i'm a bit crazy
because i kind of overreacted
and i'm still on the phone, talking talking talking

trisha asks me "what just happened?"
she's kind of laughing, like she can sense how weird the situation was for me
i briefly recapped the story, for her and these two boys, saying,
"it was suppppper awkward and now i'm embarrassed"

so now i'm in the elevator with these two boys who i've never seen before and i'm still on the phone, trying to make small talk so that the 20 second ride to the first floor isn't even more awkward than i had already made it
we get to the first floor, and i'm closest to the door, so i get off first
they follow
i exit the lobby, and turn left to go to the laundry room
they follow
of course they follow
i make a joke, like "are you guys following me? now this is getting really creepy and awkward"
i'm just calling it like it is

i end my phone conversation and enter the laundry room
i go immediately to "my" washer and open it up
then walk over to the dryers, select one and open it up as well
as i'm walking back to the washer, guess who opens the laundry room door
just guess
boy one and boy two
and so we make a few comments like "whoa...this is weird...whoa...of course....whoa...hahaha...."
boy two walks over to "my" washer, as if it's his own
and i make a joke about how it was only slightly weird that they had followed me, but now he was taking my laundry and it was reaching a whole new level of weird

then i immediately realize: it's not my laundry
it's boy two's laundry in boy two's washer
and now i'm the creep
who opened his washer before he was even in there
and almost claimed his clothes as my own

super weird, but we're all laughing

of course, i start my dryer at literally the exact same moment that they start theirs
so now, there are 45 minutes until my clothes AND their clothes are dry
and we're all leaving the room
recognizing that we're kind of sort of friends now AND we're walking back to the elevator together and so we might as well just embrace this new friendship

so i introduce myself to travis and kyle who live on the second floor and have never been up to the third floor
unfortunately for them, the fourth floor is where it's at and they've been missing out
travis overheard my previous phone conversation in which i mentioned that i would be playing scrabble this evening
which started a fairly intense, slightly rushed conversation about scrabble and different ways to play and which way is best and i'm in love
of course, we reached the second floor, but were mid-conversation
so boy one stood in the doorway and continued telling me about this special version of scrabble that i really should play tonight
and i was so tempted to invite boy one and boy two up to 432 to play scrabble with us
but alas, the doors closed and i'm not brave enough to invite my new stranger friends to play a surprisingly fun game

which worked out better, actually, because upon return to my room, my roommate and i did a "domestic" photoshoot in matching outfits. pictures to come soon.

today

i am aware of just how human i am.

create

it is my very sincere belief that one of the greatest parts of being human
is our ability and desire to create beautiful things
for others and for ourselves
whether it is words, or sounds or images
physical matter or laughter, or, whatever it is...

creation flows from a unique and intimate experience with the Creator
and somehow, if for just a brief moment, we touch heaven

so this is my commitment:
i will constantly challenge, encourage, push others to create
on whatever medium they desire
but create, nonetheless, because it's necessary and beautiful
and as humans, we should gratefully accept this gift
this opportunity to dwell in His presence and to create the sacred space where others can do the same
create beauty from the details of your life

the week of april 26-may 2, a recap

current playlist:
-norah jones: toes
-death cab for cutie: transatlanticism
-band of horses: the general specific
-vampire weekend: m79
-emiliana torrini: sunny road
-cold war kids: we used to vacation
-madeleine peyroux: don't wait too long
-brooke waggoner: come love, see my hands
-amos lee: bottom of the barrel
-derek loux: fragrant burning

current obsession:
balloons and logic problems

highs and lows:
low: the 85 degree burn that i got from the tea i spilled on myself in the middle of missions cafe, followed by an embarrassingly loud gasp and dramatic reaction...and most likely, a scar

high: so many. officially becoming the coordinator for color your world with casa. fiesta and friends. watching three great movies in one week. death cab on wednesday night. chocolate chip pancakes for dinner. conversations about heaven. discipleship. crashing a wedding.

favorite thought:
"how i wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me. it's like a book elegantly bound but in a language you can't read just yet"

'twas a good week.

me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain

i love the saturday night routine that i've
accidentally, coincidentally, habitually
fallen into

we had a fiesta tonight
then watched yet another foreign film
because i'm determined to really really know french
parce que, vraiment, c'est la plus belle langue dans le monde

but now, everybody has left my home
and again, the clock has ticked past one
it's silent

just me, my tootsie roll pop, and my brain
which has been working overtime
because i'm on this adventure
where every day, it seems, holds a great discovery
and there seems to be an insatiable curiosity deep inside of me
to know, to create
to connect the dots of this mysterious existence

because He doesn't make sense
or fit inside of a box, any box, no matter what box i try
He has quickly, with no hesitation, destroyed the boundaries of
my imagination
my reality
my spiritual-ness
my humanity
my....everything

He's shaking things up

there's so much new insight in my brain
it's very possible that it will soon explode

this semester, i committed to waking up at 7
every tuesday/thursday
so that i can learn about the
christian understanding of the human person
my professor, i'm sure, is very intelligent
but mostly, she loves to tell stories about west virginia and her cats
(she is very much a cat lady)
so i haven't really learned much at that dreaded hour
but oddly enough, i am learning
more than what could be taught in history books
or works of fiction

i am learning what it means to be human
living in a body that is set to decay
walking in the "body-spirit" tension

it's been a theme
(i'm sure you've noticed)

i can tell you that my body
how it moves, how it works, what it contains
is product of both
image of God: divine breath, divine shape, divine purpose
and the destruction of the Fall
our silly, but oh so powerful, human nature

i'm learning
over and over again
that our bodies do matter
and that our spirits do matter
and that our hearts and our minds and
everything that gives us life
matters

we (body, spirit, heart, mind) were created to experience God
to be moved by His Spirit
to experience the beautiful and the mundane as spiritual entities
bringing us further into Him

my heart is the very center of my being
and while psychology may prove me wrong
the biblical image of the heart is:
source of affection, thought, purpose and imagination

and my heart is part of my body
and my body cries out for the Lord
so it must follow that
my affections, thoughts, purposes, imagination and creative energy
are finding retreat in Him
being transformed towards Him
being redeemed by Him

He's changing my world
spinning it around and around

simple things are now spiritual encounters
encounters that reflect the very essence of who He is
words fail to do it justice
music has changed
art has changed
literature has changed
what i can do with my mind and my hands
with my camera and my paintbrushes and my piano
have changed

He is in everything
and He has made Himself big
in my imagination, in visions, in my transformation:
becoming one who sees and creates and partakes in Him

it's strange to open myself up to new roles
as if i, myself, am a new creation

because i never thought that He would speak to me with such clarity
or that i would sense Him in a death cab for cutie song and that it would bring me to tears
i never thought that i would paint murals
(or coordinate the painting of murals)
or that my unsatisfied need to be bound to His creative Spirit would ever be fulfilled
that i could have a creative spirit, too
that He approves of my imagination, embraces it, encourages it
that He loves my body and has great plans to redeem it
that, as far as humans go, i am the worst of them
but i have chosen to follow His cross
and count my sins as loss

so i am now engaging in a constant process of dying and rising
dying to self, rising to Him
dying to self, rising to creativity
dying to self, rising to discipleship
dying to self, rising to love
dying to self, rising to community
dying to self, rising to life
rising to life
rising to life

and this is life
it is full and wonderful and i am happy

it's late

the clock is creeping past one
and i'm wide awake
dang you dr pepper and lack of self-control surrounding all-things-food

we watched under the tuscan sun tonight
for the first time
next up: life is beautiful
since we're on the theme of italy
and screwing up my heart

because i had buried the desire for love deep down in my heart
and covered it with layers of dirt
and i hadn't watched a real romance movie in at least six months
but blast! we watched this movie tonight
and the thread has been pulled
now my whole cover is unraveling before my eyes

because i did want love, and then i really didn't
and now, that want re-emerges
and i forgot how sweet love could be
but now i remember
and i wanted that desire to go away completely
(because apparently, i'm not a girl anymore??)
so that i could focus my attention on other things
things that don't make me nauseous and heartsick and scared out of my mind
things that really truly seem to be life-or-death
Truth and Freedom and Life

this season (and i hate saying "season" because it sounds so "woman retreat-ish" and old...)
has been about growth and transformation
and vulnerability
and finally releasing the Holy Spirit from the "silent treatment" i had shackled Him with for so long
and holy cow, it's been a journey
but i kinda sorta love where i am
and i wouldn't want anything to distract me from where i am going
from where He is taking me
not anything, anything, anything
i guess the proper word would be: nothing

nothing, right now, seems more important
than living in the Truth that i've discovered
or walking with the creative spirit that brings life

nothing, right now, seems more important
than my nighttime walks
painting murals
discovering the truth about my human nature
or the nature of His divinity

and it's love, but in an all together different way
than i ever expected
and that is all there is to it.

goodnight.

because i'm on the topic of childhood...

there's a long-standing joke, where we laugh at the fact that i can't remember much of my childhood

"do you remember....?!?!?!"
"no. i didn't have a childhood."
hahahaha!?

or the like. half-joke.

i have this friend
a boy
who, after a conversation that somehow mixed
relationships and this "joke"
had the most beautiful, surprising idea i've ever heard

i couldn't believe that a boy would think of something so great
so rich

a day in which some wonderful boy who i don't think exists
would plan event after event
a whole day filled with childhood activities
and all sorts of fun things
to create the memories that my brain can no longer find

what?!?
who comes up with this stuff...?

He breathes; i respond, with hesitation

He has this way of bringing things together.
i understand only from what i can see, and what i can see are the pieces of this collision in my life.
i want to write.
no, i want to draw.
wait, wait, wait…i want to study.

so on my desk, strewn about in no particular order, spilling onto my lap
i have my 18-pack of Pentel Fine Point Color Markers
and every highlighter that i own
as well as three or four different pen options: a normal, everyday, pack of 20-black pen, a red pen, and my personal favorite, the fine point roller-ball pen with the liquidy ink that smears if you accidentally touch it too soon, but if you don’t, it dries so dark and i daresay, gorgeously that it makes even writing pages in a blue book more appealing
and i’ve got my sketchbook, doubling as my sociology notebook
and my journal
and my manuscripts: acts, and mark
and my dictionary of biblical imagery
and my heart is quiet, in anticipation
i am ready

inspiration comes at any moment these days
sentences flow through my brain as if they are being whispered in my ear
memories are unlodged and free floating
and i want to catch them, all of them, like lightning bugs in a mason jar
i have to capture it all, or i watch it slip away into the abyss of former ideas, beautiful images, the creative “could have beens”
i no longer believe in those
i believe in what is and what should be
so now i find myself chained to His creative Spirit
desperate to see these “shoulds,” these dreams, become a reality
--------


i am not an artist, by any means, but He has given me a vision
or two or three or twenty
and i feel them bursting out of my skin, dancing onto whatever canvas is waiting
my journal? okay, i scribble down words and ideas so quickly that it’s chicken scratch, illegible to anyone but me
my sketchbook? okay, i will draw, for my eyes only, to try to express the image that is playing, developing like a beautiful story in my mind
He has breathed life into my imagination
He said, “come awake”
i respond, with hesitation: “okay.”
--------


it’s quiet as i tip-toe out to the water
i am alone
i let go of my towel and let it drop to the cement beneath me, falling against my bare skin on the way down
the water is dark, but oddly inviting
steam is rising from the surface and i’m sure that His Spirit is hovering.
there is a distinct chill in the air around me, so again, i tip-toe to the water’s edge and hesitantly slip my toes in. in and out and then, in again. it’s deep, yes, but it has to be.
i’m sitting on the edge now, easing my body into the pool of water that feels like silk against my legs.



yes, His Spirit is here.
a quick breeze comes and i turn, shielding myself from the chill.
there is no chill. only warmth, and the waters are stirring.
again, the wind rises, and i can hear it racing through the trees, pushing through with force. but it gets to me, and it stops; it approaches from behind and gently whispers in my ear.
the warmth of His breath is surprising, and i can feel the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up.
“dive in.”
i respond, with hesitation: “okay.”
--------


i am a mirror, or something like that.
i am a mirror who has fallen with such great force into the harshness of the world
i am a mirror, and i am shattered, but i will try to reflect You
so, what do you see?
it has been sung: “i do not exist, only You exist.”
do you see me? what is me?
my embodied body is disembodied and i no longer live but Christ lives in me
so, what do you see?
come breathe on me, and hide Yourself in the cloud that appears
my naked eyes cannot bear to look at You
breathe on me, at every moment
i only believe in what is and what should be
this is: Your breathe; Your breathe is
and You are: YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE


i’m in love
--------

He knocked on my door and asked me a question:
can Kara come out and play?
i respond, hesitantly: “Okay.”

i’m a child again
i’m a child again
i’m a child again!!!!!

tire swings and tree houses and tickle wars
the sandlot and attempts at cartwheels

i have a lot to learn about
childlike faith
childlike vulnerability
the heart of a child

so be it, i’m in love
--------

this campus is groaning for life, begging to be free.
it is soon coming, soon coming, soon coming.