new favorite thing:

late-night walks around campus
with the air so warm
no sweater necessary :)

to be a child

the dishes are done and put away
and we're all sitting in the living room
enjoying the cool breeze and the whirring of the fan
after a beautifully hot day
it's blogging time

sorry for the wait
(if you were waiting, that is...)
i just haven't known what to write
because each day is a process
each day unearths something new
and it's hard to put into words
how wonderful it has been

something has been stirring
and i've had a strong sense of hopeful expectation
as if i've been waiting for something
that i would not believe, even if i were told
and it's happened
even still, i don't believe it

i'm rediscovering my childhood
in the most beautiful, organic ways
outside of the reality of the passage of time,
the child in me is waking up

i'm stepping into the deep pools of healing
and from the very very inmost part of me
i want to jump up and down
and twirl around and around, unashamedly
and laugh like i haven't laughed in so long
i'm being invited to dance and play and explore

things that i should've experienced as a child
are mine, now
nothing can keep me from them
so yes, i'll sit on my dad's lap and tell him i love him
and yes, i'll sit on a blanket in the sun and read "The Secret Garden"

i'm listening to the message of Love
and rejoicing in the fact that
life is wonderful
and i'm letting myself be romanced by
the beautiful things in life:
flowers behind my ears
blankets in the sun
letting my imagination run free
childlike vulnerability

it's good
i'm free

it's just such a beautiful form of redemption
that i never saw coming
His love does not know the bounds of time;
His redemption does not know the limits of past, present, future
what i thought He would do, even my wildest dreams
do not compare
to the reality of what He is doing
it's so much sweeter than i could've ever imagined

sunscreen...should've thought of that...

yaaaa....that "cumulative four hours" in the sun=sunburn.

baaaad.

yaaaa...that "light, flowy, feminine dress"=the most awkward tan lines.

ever.

sunshine :)

i sat on the grass today for a cumulative four hours
because i belong outside
with the sun shining down on me
and the wind rubbing up against my bare skin
tickling my arms and legs
a dress with no shoes and
i feel beautiful

oh, how we need days like today
to remind us in the most organic of ways
how sweet His love is

it's nice to wear a dress that is
light and flowy and feminine
as i sit in the sun with my journal
and ponder what kind of girl/woman i am
or i am becoming

there was a time when the only dream that my heart would allow
was me, with a boy
his ambiguous figure constantly present in my imagination
as i created glimpses of our adventure in my mind
a great romance, beautiful redemption

it feels odd to be sans ce rêve
because for so long, it defined me
and i wanted to be beautiful for him
and i wanted to be lovely for him
and i wanted to be alluring for him
there was so much love to be given
and i ached for the day when it would no longer be a dream

i don't know that i want him anymore
i don't know that i need him for my grand adventure
or that i need him to define me, to tell me i am
beautiful, lovely, alluring, valuable, good
i don't know that i could truly love him
while i am still learning to love myself

i have embarked on a journey
of self-discovery
because i have been trapped by my own dreams
and by my own ideas of self
and i am finally finally finally letting them go

but when i say "letting them go," i mean,
my heart has been hardened
maybe it's pride, or fear, or some strange mixture of both
maybe it goes much deeper than a desire for freedom
and when i say "maybe," i'm trying to pretend like it isn't pride, or fear,
or that it isn't bad that my heart has been hardened to this kind of love
though i know it is

but i am twenty, inching closer to twenty-one
i am on a journey towards love and gradual softening
and my heart is closed towards him
but is open wide to the
sunshine and the wind and
living barefoot in my pretty dress

thing things

i've been working all day on a depressing paper
depressing topic, struggle to formulate sentences
bleckhasdfiuasd
so i'm glad that i'm ending my day with this
and a glass of orange juice
and some sixpence/eisley/sufjan/j fo

tomorrow: breakfast, read/pray/journal, meeting, church, tea time

hopefully another beautiful day

and the things that are on my mind these days:
a. i am so terribly happy that i came back to san diego. leaving was such a weird but necessary decision; coming back has been the best. i never want to leave. i'm terrified to graduate. one more year is not enough.
b. i have a sense of expectation in my heart, hopeful expectation, as if something BIG is about to happen. i'm excited :)
c. friday is good friday. i love good friday. i'm excited for passover, round two.

more on all of that later, my body is craving sleep and i'm giving in

ruah YHWH, continued

i keep coming back to it

i can't get enough of it

ruah YHWH ruah YHWH ruah YHWH

i'm thinking of tattooing it somewhere on my body

my altar of remembrance

my discipler (?) told me that i should build one

right now

because right now

i am free

but this freedom, this joy, this ease of

living and breathing and being

may not last

will not last

it is here, though, right now

and so i'm led back to this idea of

ruah YHWH
breath of life
and how beautiful it is
because, in this time,
i have become aware of so many things
specifically, my breathing

when my breathing speeds up

and my lungs feel shallow

and my heart is racing

when the world goes dark

and doubt clouds everything

and i wonder who i am

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gave me life.

this ruah YHWH is

everything

life-giving breath
Spirit of God

source of wisdom

God's creative action

His breath in me
giving me life

sometimes i forget to breath

which sounds odd, i know

but sometimes i find myself

holding my breath

in anticipation
or in angst
or in...?
i'm not really sure
all i know is that i'm not breathing

so i have to remind myself

to breathe the breath that He gives

now

and now

and now

and now

His breath transforms

But it is the spirit in a man, the breath of the Almighty, that gives him understanding.

His breath has power

By the word of the LORD were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth.

death to life

death to life

death to life
with every breath

This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.

4:57

i woke up at 5:00 this morning
actually, 4:57
to the door of my bedroom
jiggling back and forth
pushed in and out of place by the wind
i climbed groggily out of bed and
fumbled around in the dark
searching blindly for something to keep the door in its rightful place
ptl for my biblical imagery dictionary
(thousands of pages of weight, put to good use)

and i know that it was 4:57
because the clock was ticking so loudly
so incessantly
reminding me with every tick that time was passing
and quickly
so i grabbed it and lovingly
removed the batteries
because i wanted silence

i wanted the spinning fan to lull me to sleep
in my otherwise quiet room
in my cozy bed
where the fleece rubs up against my bare legs
and i want to stay here all day
letting my head sink into the pillow
and wrap myself in fluffy, warm blankets

but, i woke up at 5:00 this morning
4:57, to be exact
my body craved sleep
but my SPIRIT was awake
something, somewhere deep inside of me

woke up

and almost instinctually
began communication
with YHWH
the God who is

i only say instinctually because
i was mostly asleep
and my SPIRIT was leading my heart
to where it should go, but
doesn't, once my body comes to life

but i am more than my body
and i am more than my mind
i am my own 3-in-1
body, mind SPIRIT
led by the SPIRIT
to YHWH
at 4:57 in the morning

and my brain doesn't usually wake up until at least 9:00
so i don't know how to describe it
except to say
that it was obvious
that while the rest of me slept
my SPIRIT was awake, beginning to dance
with Jesus, for Jesus, around Him
I was turning, eyes closed,
before the Lord

and it was nice to communicate with the 3-in-1
without the mess of crazy-brain
tainting my words with fear and angst and distress
my SPIRIT was engaged in a song and dance
that had never been done before:

praise
specific prayers for
specific people
people that i don't pray for
so i know that it wasn't coming from my mind
prayers that i know went directly
from my SPIRIT
to HIS

i was asleep again
within minutes
though i don't know for sure
because my clock is now stopped at 4:57

i'm uncomfortable with all of this
talk about the SPIRIT
because i have a tendency to
over-humanize and to
over-intellectualize and to
avoid "weirdness"

i don't want to do flag waving before Him
or have hugely emotional experiences
with mascara running all over my face
and there is a negative connotation that accompanies the word
"charismatic"
(we had enough of that in high school chapel, thank you)

but i am more than my body
and i am more than my mind
and my SPIRIT has been groaning for life

so, okay, wake me up at 4:57
and i will let my SPIRIT dance

je t'aime

Je suis tombé dans l'amour en France.

Peut-être c'était la Tour Eiffel
ou les lumières réflecteur à la Seine.
Peut-être c'était les tours longs de train
et l'écrit à la main des lettres.
Peut-être c'était le lieu du marché, rempli avec le fruit et les fleurs et les gens,
et que mon coeur était ouvert dans une nouvelle façon,
pour la première fois.
Et j'ai raconté avec hésitation mes histoires
et a essayé les eaux avec circonspection
comme nous filmons en video bavardé et a envoyé les lettres electronique.
J'ai bêtement fait semblant que
la joie, l'excitation, le désir, heureux, béni sentant
dans l'intérieur de mon coeur
n'était pas de grande affaire.
Mais j'ai envoyé des cartes postales
pour indiquer mon affection profonde
avec les mots que je ne pourrais pas dire.

Et je suis passé du temps à rêver,

et mes expériences j'ai désiré partager avec cet homme.

Je ne sais pas exactement ce que c'était.
Mais je suis tombé dans l'amour en France.

Il semble que je l'ai oublié en France
parce que je n'arrive pas à trouver ce cœur plus.