[junior high diary] candy grams and valentine's day

"Monday, February 14, 2000: Happy Valentine's Day! I had the most fun in the snow. I had a snowboard lesson but I didn't like it and I think the teacher taught me the wrong thing. After lunch I rented skis and had a good time. I hope I get candy grams from other people than my friends (like maybe Justin.) I don't think he will though because I think he likes Heather. I don't like Heather. Once in my year book I said she was one of my best friends. YEAH RIGHT. She's to popular for me. I'm going to go waterskiing this weekend. It's going to be freezing. But I can't wait. For Valentine's Day my mom got me this bathing suit and I remembered that Kathleen had the same one (just bigger) and it made me sad. I miss her so much, I even started crying. I can't wait to see her. It will be so much fun. And I still need to give her her Christmas present. I miss her so much.

I only got 1 candy gram. It was from Nicole Frey. I was so disappointed because I wanted to get 1 from Justin. He is so cute! When I got to the Growing Room, Chris told me she got a candy gram from Gianni (who she likes, and he likes her) that said, "I like you." Isn't that so cute? I think it is. But ther they're only 5th graders. I mean, shouldn't I have a boyfriend before them? But I'm happy for them"

In February of 2000, I was eleven years old (actually, eleven and a half, which I'm sure I made a point to explain to anybody willing to listen...They needed an explanation as to why I was so much more mature than the average eleven year old). I'm not quite sure what the "healthy" age for crush/relationship development is, but I know that that desire was alive and well in me by 2000. Eleven years of marketing and Disney fairy tales had instilled within me an awareness of the importance of Valentine's Day, as well as a few unrealistic expectations. Sure, Justin Jones wasn't my friend, but that could all be a hoax--a complex and dramatic scheme to surprise me with an abundance of Candy Grams come 5th period. He would surprise me with his sensitivity and thoughtfulness, we would fall in love and live happily ever after. (This might explain why I don't like surprises: they only lead to disappointment. Thanks, Justin. Thanks a lot.)

Of course, there was Heather Miller. She'll reappear in many journal entries over the next year. She was the popular girl at school, way more popular than I could ever dream of being. Plus, she was blonde when being blonde decided everything. Let's be honest about that yearbook situation: wishful thinking. Maybe I thought that I could will it to be true, if I wrote it in pen. There's really no way of knowing that thought process, but Heather was never my best friend. In fact, she was the enemy of my love life, the biggest obstacle in my path to true love with JJ. More on that later.

Turns out I only got one sad and lonely Candy Gram. I should've been grateful, but I was eleven and insecure and banking on Candy Grams as the only way to find love in my life. Plus, you might remember Nicole Frey from a previous journal entry; she's the same friend who I worked on science fair projects with. Sure, she was actually a great and loving friend, but not the ideal person to spend Valentine's Day with when you're hoping for Justin Jones (hey, did I mention that he's cute? Oh ya. Ya, I did. EVERY TIME I WROTE HIS NAME).

Then there's he Growing Room. The Growing Room was the daycare that I went to until I was twelve. Yes, twelve years old. Far too old for daycare, older than any other student in the history of the center, older even than their rules technically allowed. I blamed a lot of my relational problems on this place and it was one of my main insecurities. It'll reappear many more times.

Chris and Gianni went to The Growing Room too, but of course, that was acceptable because they were still 5th graders. Fifth graders are so young and stupid about the workings of love--what do they know about Candy Grams? Me, the sixth grader, knew so much more. I deserved one. I deserved love. Unhealthy sense of entitlement much? I would've been happier for them if I hadn't been so insanely jealous. I must've acknowledged that later, when I added in a new pen color: But I'm happy for them. Just in case somebody accessed my journal, they needed to know that I was still nice enough to be excited for new love.

Relationally frustrated, "nice," shallow and surprisingly insecure. That about sums up Junior High for me.

The Growing Room (A Preview of the Next Entry): "I think 1 of the reasons Justin doesn't like me is because I go to the Growing Room and Heather doesn't. I can tell so much that he totally flirts with Heather."