san diego, i love you

i don’t really know where to start
there’s so much going on in my life,
so much i’d love to share,
but everything is all scattered in my brain,
and that’s confusing, even for me.

i guess i’ll start here.
where i am.
san diego, at the start of another semester.

i wasn’t here last year. no, no, last year was a wholly different experience. a different school, different friends, changing relationships. and last year was hard, probably the hardest semester i’ve ever experienced. and while i was in it, the Lord gave me strength and determination to push through.

but as soon as i left,
and i signed the readmission documents,
moved all of my belongings back into my san diego home,
and briefly dropped my defenses,
i realized exactly how fractured i was.

the journey to where i am now has been long and painful and exhilarating and beautiful and more life-giving than i could’ve ever imagined. so when i say that i am happy to be back in san diego, it’s not just lip service. it’s not just words that you say when you’re starting another semester, or when you tell people about your summer.

it is those things, but it is more. i feel this happiness at the very core of my being.

i’m not sure that typing all these words will do it justice, but san diego means so much to me.
san diego represents Jesus and healing and laughter and adventure.
san diego represents all of the things that i’ve always wanted, but thought i would never have. and here i am, and i have them all.
i have it all.
the Lord has put me in san diego, and given me the desires of my heart.

there’s an intimacy of relationship that i’ve never experienced before. our bond is only getting stronger and stronger as the days and weeks and months spent in intentional community, sharing beds and food and gas money, continue. my friends here, they know me. they see a side of me that may be hidden in san ramon.
they see a creative side and encourage it.
they see an intellectual side and challenge it.
they see questions and attempt to answer them.
they know the subtle encouragements that I need,
the conversations they should start,
the right questions to ask.

they know about the depths of my anxiety and depression, in vivid detail. they’ve seen it. they were there when the Lord began to pull me through it. they watched in living color as every day, i received healing, every day i stepped into joy. they made me laugh and let me cry. they noticed the specifics of my days—days where i was agitated and distracted, days where i was present and alive. they held my hands, fingers interlocked and prayed prayers that must have moved the heart of God. they believed for me.

they believed for me, we prayed, and goodness, just look.
look at what the Lord has done.

i was broken, sure that i would never be whole again.
i was sure that i was incapable and undeserving of love.
i was living in fear.
i trapped myself, afraid to leave the boundaries of what i knew.
i was hesitant, on-edge. i was resistant, closed-off.
i was so many, many things.

san diego, a physical place, can’t take the credit for what the Lord did. but i cannot pretend when i’m here, when i’m with these people and doing these new things, that i don’t remember that it was on quiet tearful nights, in my apartment, in san diego, that the Lord changed me.

so now, here i am.
in san diego.

and, by the grace of God, i’m doing things i never imagined i could do. things that bring me joy and make me feel alive. i’m using my creative side on a daily basis. i’m loving people and learning them, and letting them do the same for me. i’m living this crazy adventurous life that i never saw coming, and that i pray will last forever.

san diego, to me, represents the fullness of life, and i am happy happy happy to be back.