open open open

i keep repeating to myself, reminding myself
"stay open, stay open, stay open"

because i'm not good at transitions
home is home :)
san diego is san diego :)
and my heart is so totally in both places

if only there were a way that i could apparate back and forth
home to san diego to home and back again
then transitions wouldn't be transitions
and my heart wouldn't be at risk for shutting down

but before me, on my ever-growing plate
are many many opportunities
that i absolutely must give credit to the Lord for
and within my heart, for each one, is a growing sense of excitement
mixed (inseparable) with nerves and anxiety and fear

the Lord is calling me to be open
because only with openness can i be
vulnerable, truly love, give selflessly, learn, experience, grow, enjoy, laugh, etc etc etc
all the things that the Lord is calling me to
all the things that i want
because i've tasted their sweetness, i know their goodness

and along with every transition
comes the feeling that, should i just shut down, close off, go into "work mode,"
things would be easier
i would be safer

but what would i learn?
what could i experience?
what would i become, living as the shell of a person,
keeping my heart hidden, locked away from life?

yes, yes, my plate is full
and the things that will be asked of me
will certainly challenge me and force me into roles and positions where i have never been
it is going to be difficult
chances are, i will fail (at least once...)
chances are, i will let somebody down
i will let myself down
i will offend somebody
i will step on somebody's idea
i will focus more on getting things done than the experience, the journey itself
i will offer only fragments of my heart
i will try to keep myself at a safe distance

i know this about myself
i am so human, striving towards heaven
but i am not there yet

so now, before the transition period ends
and the rush towards real life actually begins
i keep telling myself
"stay open, stay open, stay open"
knowing that the Lord has pushed me to these positions
and that He will meet me there

holding on the the hope that with openness will come a year filled with
laughter, joy, happiness, conversation, depth, love, discernment, wisdom, and growth
which, ultimately, is the goal
my goal, at least :)